Hostile Territory

Sand of times

2008-12-10T22:37:00.002+01:00

I'm in the middle of reading a book, a story about Charles Manson, half of it fictional, half of it actual, but all of it intriguing. Seeing as by the time I was born the world had already exhaled in relief, seeing him locked up safe in prison, I grew up not knowing what he and his followers had done. He was old news, and the majority of the world was probably eager to forget. I didn't grow up reading the papers and watching the television, seeing the horror that is now automatically associated with his name. But I knew his name. After all these years, it turns out people aren't at all that eager to forget. Because people still talk about him, he's still the "legend" he was then.

This book made me curious to know why he still stirs the hearts and minds of people the way he does, so I started searching the internet. You gotta love the internet, all you'll ever want to know, and all you'll never want to know at your fingertips.

After a short but reasonably extensive search I determined for myself that if I ever was a supporter of capital punishment, I'm now certain that the best way to deal with someone like Manson, is by keeping him alive as long as possible. I know that he still has means to communicate with people, that he still reaches out to the world beyond his prison walls, but I think there are fewer people that still want to listen to him. I've seen interviews and speeches he gave in his younger years, and couldn't help but to be... well.. intrigued. There sat a young, handsome, charismatic man, who said things few people had ever dared say out loud, who made sure he remained an enigma up to some point, and who knew how to keep an audience at least as captive as he actually was. He was the legend. He spoke to the world, and the world listened. Some in awe, most in horror, but they all listened.

But judging from later pictures and interviews, the years in prison hadn't treated him kindly. Solitude must have been like oil on that not-so-small spark of madness in the man, because his ramblings in later days... Not very impressive, disturbing maybe, but easily dismissed as the ramblings of a madman.

If he had gone to death-rowe, he would have always been that young enigmatig personality, his followers are fanatic enough to never have let that flame die out, they'd have made him a martyr and a hero. They still attempt to do just that, but let's face it. An old (And peculiarly balding) man who makes funny faces at the camera, who jumps up at random intervals to start a strange little dance, and who bursts out in sudden songs that aren't really songs, more like noises. It's getting increasingly difficult to see him as that legend. He's becoming more and more of an ordinary freakshow.

Honestly, death rowe isn't the way to put this self-proclaimed legend down. A severe case of senility might do the job though. Hard to worship someone who defecates in his pants, has a nurse wiping drool off his chin and only cares about whether there's tapioca or jell-O for dessert.

Little wench...

2008-10-31T16:20:00.003+01:00

One evening, Marino and I were just slacking around on the couch, watching tv and doing nothing much in general, when we looked at each other and said; Let's get a friend for Pica! He seems so alone...

That was months and months ago.

So, last week we went to the animal-shelter to get a cat that we saw on the internet. A 3 year old female named Kitty, who was taken out of "crazy old cat-lady's " house, where there were 13 cats living together. She was extremely sweet to us, wanting to cuddle and be petted. So we took her home with us. Put her in a smaller room, to get her used to her new environment, and to prevent her and Pica from meeting each other too soon, because we didn't want the encounter to be too stressful.

Unfortunately, my lack of patience took over, and the next day we introduced the two (We had been advised to wait much longer with that, but other people told us that they had always introduced their cats rightaway and it had never been a problem, so we decided to go for it.)
There was much growling, hissing and spitting, mostly Pica's. But they didn't go after each other, Kitty appeared to have a healthy respect for Pica's personal space, and it seemed she handled the situation very well. One day later we let the door open, so Kitty could go out and explore the house a bit, which she didn't really do until another day later. Then she came to the living room, and cuddled with us like she had never done otherwise.

Pica was still growling and hissing at the sight of her though, but she stayed out of his way and did her best not to seem too threatening to him. That evening she was chilling on the sofa, when Pica walked under the table and started growling at her some more. At that point she must have had enough of his constant threatening, so she decided to chase after him for a bit, just to show him not to push his luck. Unfortunately, that was the moment when she found out Pica is really a big wuss, cause he ran away and cowered in a corner, waiting for a chance to get out safely.

Kitty decided at that point she'd make a run for president of the house, and started attacking Pica at sight. Not all the time at first, but the attacks became more and more frequent, until he really couldn't show his face anywhere without having Kitty bitch-slap him out of the room again. (And shredding our curtains to pieces in the process) She didn't use her nails on Pica as far as we could see, but she made enough of an impression on him anyway.

So now she's locked in her room again, Pica is strolling happily around the house, probably thinking he got rid of her... but we'll have to find a way to let them live peacefully together in this house. So we'll try a slow re-introduction, and hope for the best.

Jeez, apparently the biggest pussy in this house is Pica. Maybe we should sign him up for karate or something...

Update

2008-10-02T09:10:00.002+02:00

Things have certainly improved after I stopped using the effexor, it's not great yet, but it's better. I feel more like myself again, so when things get bad I can at least try to figure out where it's coming from. My sisters and I still have an extensive mail conversation going, maybe that's one of the reasons I haven't been writing here that often. It's good to have siblings that know where you're coming from. We can relate to each other's problems, and we can sometimes fill in some of the others' blanks, which has proven to be quite valuable.

I probably won't be back on the job-market for a while though, because I'm simply not ready. What worries me, though, is that I've been at home for quite a long time now. And I've always had problems adjusting to jobs in general, so I'm expecting that to be worse when I do go back. But I'll worry about that when it comes my way. At least I know I'll get help with that.

Some of the simplest things still are a big problem for me. Getting out of bed for instance. Taking care of the household, showing up at the DAC at the agreed times, lots of stuff actually. I'm trying to figure out why I'm having so much trouble with that. Seeing as my therapy has stopped for a while now, I'll have to figure most of these things out by myself. But I also found out that it wasn't much different when I still had therapy. I'll get by.

Sleeping problems are still there, but I figured out that drinking coffee during the day is a sure way of staying awake all night. Maybe I'm just sensitive to caffeine, I don't know. But Decaf tastes just as well. And it really helps.

I'm doing better when it comes to alcohol and cigarettes by the way. There have been periods where I needed a glass of wine in order to get some sleep, and I needed almost a pack of cigarettes a day to calm down a bit. I still drink, and I still smoke, but I really cut down on the "drinking-at-home", same for smoking. When there's a party I sure won't skip any of the booze, but I know when to stop, and sometimes I drink just one beer, or nothing at all (Although the latter only occurs in rare situations, but hey, I'm trying here!) I rarely smoke at home anymore, only when I'm out, or at parties. And I'm trying to cut down a bit on that as well. Sometimes I can go a week without a ciragette, or only 2 or 3. Sometimes I smoke more, it kinda depends.

Marino and I are now in counselling for our relationship. I'd have to say things were pretty bad a while ago, but we both really want to work things out. The reason things got so bad was my depression, for a large part. We're both stubborn, proud, hard-headed. And that would have caused problems even in the most positive of circumstances. But with the depression (and the medication mostly) I practically turned into a zombie, so Marino had to take over. He did take over, because that just comes natural to him, but he crossed some very important boundaries with that, which he didn't know. And I wasn't strong enough to defend those boundaries. I tried, but I simply coulnd't. Now that I'm feeling more like myself again, I'm trying to win back that territory, but we both don't want this relationship to turn into a battlefield, and apparently we got stuck there. We have very different ways of communicating, and we really need to learn to understand each other, so counselling seemed like a good idea. We have had 2 sessions so far, but things look very promising.

Another thing I really need to work on is getting some physical exercise. And, fair enough, so does Marino. So we bought a hometrainer. That we both used twice or so, in the nearly 2 months we have the thing. Typical. And I did see that one coming, because we're both... well.. lame :P
But I haven't given up yet, I really want to try. Just trying to figure out the best way to do that. Because it feels great to know you're doing something to improve yourself, and after a 40-minute exercise I'm too tired to think of stuff that doesn't matter anyway. It's good in more than one way. Maybe I just need some encouragement. *grin*

Then again....

2008-07-27T00:57:00.003+02:00

There have been lonelier days than these. Times have been less kind and days have been longer.

It's amazing what a person is able to forget when they want to forget, and it's amazing what torment people can bring upon themselves. And what torment we can endure. It all just depends on what you're used to. And there's quite a lot I've gotten used to.

Maybe the ghosts are there to remind us to count our blessings...

From Scratch

2008-07-17T14:05:00.003+02:00

Today I had an appointment with someone from a reintegration bureau for people with psychiatric problems, to see what the options are for me. I don't expect the government to be patient with me much longer, seeing as I have been ill for over a year now. And when they tell me I need to get back to work, I want to have a plan of my own, because they won't care much about what kind of work I do, as long as I don't cost them any more money.

The woman who took today's interview was very nice, and she managed to reassure me on some points that I was slightly worried about. Especially the government doctors' office. She called it "little Lourdes, you walk in with a disease or handicap, and you walk out healthy" because they'll just say you're not sick anymore, and that's final.

But when that happens I'll tell them I'll be working with this reintegration bureau, and they will get me up and running in a way that won't have me back in their office within a month. One step at a time.
So that was good. (Little Eddie Izzard-pun for anyone who knows him ^^)

She asked me what exactly the main problem was for me, because I'm going to a "daily activity centre" (DAC), which is more or less on a voluntary basis, and all I have to do there is fun things like painting, drawing, making music or other creative things. But even that is a problem for me as soon as the word "obligation" is mentioned. I just panic when that happens.

This is something I've been thinking about for some time now, because it's a big handicap for me. And the most logical explanation will probably be one from my childhood. The fact that my parents were always working hard, and we were expected to help out. Whenever we tried to get out of having to do annoying chores, we'd get lectured by our family, who were always around the corner, waiting for an opportunity to criticize anyone of us. They'd tell us we ought to be ashamed of ourselves, that our mother (yes, our mother, because according to them, our father was a worthless piece of shit, and they didn't hesitate to tell us that as well) worked so hard for us, and we did NOTHING to make things easier for her, that we were lazy and bothersome... Well, they had many variations, but it all boiled down to that.

What I saw was two people working their asses off, and it was killing them. Especially my father, who never dealt well with stress. The lesson I learned as a child was that working will make you extremely miserable, but it has to be done, and if you don't keep up, you have failed in the worst way and you should die in a cold and dark hole somewhere, to not be a burden to the ones that could keep up. When we were younger, we always wanted to stay up late with the grown-ups, like any kid wants. Back then my mother always used to say "Just wait, in a few years you'll be begging for permission to go to sleep!"
How right she was...

Work for me meant -literally- running hard to keep up with the pace, doing the most annoying chores because we weren't good enough to do the more fun things. And staying up late, because everyone did. Sometimes we'd also be allowed to help prepare the food, and even better, the garments and decorations around it, because we were all quite creative, and we always made sure that the food was a feast for the eyes as well.
But most of my time was spent doing the dishes, or looking after the garderobe, making sure all the guests' coats were neatly organized, and returned to them when they left.

But the worst one, and the most frequent one, was washing the glasses. I'd spend all evening behind the bar, while the waiters kept a steady supply of used glasses that needed to be washed, so they could be used again. There was a sink with continually running water, and it was freezing cold. After five minutes of rinsing the damn glasses my fingers were bright red and cold, after that they went numb for a little while, but eventually they would just hurt like hell. As would my back, because I'd stand slightly tilted forward all the time, which put a lot of strain on the muscles in my back. I was never allowed to sit, which was impossible anyway because there simply was no space. And even if there was, there just wasn't time. No five-minute break, just keep going for hours at a time. And it was worse when my uncle was working, because he couldn't handle stress either, and he took it out on whoever was closest. Which meant I'd have to take in all his insults as well, while the only thing that kept me awake was the pain in my hands and back and the cold water that seeped though my sleeves. (At some point he called me a stupid cow, and I just walked out, and told my parents I wasn't going to work near him ever again, and I didn't. I'm glad they understood, and took my side on that one..)

I know this sounds really dramatic, but it really was for me at that time! And it's still a dreadful memory, I think my sisters would agree.

So... ehm.. the point I was trying to make -I guess- is that I have very negative associations with work because of this, and I have to find a way to change that.

And instead of thinking a year of my life has been wasted because of my situation, I want to try and believe that it might just have been necessary that I was torn down to the ground like this, so that I could start rebuilding things from scratch, and do it right this time.
It's a starting point, and I have a lot to do, but I can do great things!

*tries to hold that thought*

Memories

2008-07-14T16:07:00.003+02:00

My parents have been trying for years to sell their house. The house all but one of their children were born in. (We moved somewhere else for 5 years, my sister was born, and we moved back)

The thing is, it wasn't just a house, it was a family business. Built and run by my great-great-grandmother, and been in the family for some 100 years. But by the time it was my parents' turn, times had changed. We used to have the only big hall in the village we grew up in. Weddings, funerals, matinees, dance-evenings, and the annual "carnaval" which is pretty big where we grew up, we took care of it all. Every year, children would receive their first communion down at the church, and the more wealthy ones would get a big party, that's right, at our place.

Apart from how is was for us growing up there (I've done my share of ranting and complaining here), there was always work to do, my parents worked day and night, literally. My mother slept maybe 3 or 4 hours per night, almost every night. The rest was spent working or taking care of us and daily housekeeping-chores. My father was always in the pub, always talking to the same people, having to pretend to still like the same old stories, and laughing at the same old jokes.

Ofcourse, we had a lot of new stuff happening there, too. Irish season-workers who stayed in the neighbourhood, coming to our pub after work, we'd talk about how things were back in Ireland, and how things were here, we'd make music, had a lot of laughs, let them stay until long past closing time because we were still in the middle of a conversation. But one by one, they all left again, to another town, or home. They all promised to call, but we never heard from anyone again. The one family that stayed is doing nicely, from what I heard. I run into them every now and then, and we always have a laugh, and on good days, we have a beer to go with that.

The older I got, the less work there seemed to be. The locals would stay home, because who goes to the pub every night these days? They've got tv now, and supermarkets who sell cheap beer. And the younger people all went to the city when they went out. Because a small-town pub wasn't enough, they needed to mingle with the cool people in clubs, and we had a pub, the music was loud enough to hear, but it didn't rule out any form of conversation.
Weddings and funerals, that still went quite alright. But the new and improved community-hall took a lot away from that as well. Cheaper. My parents tried to get more customers by opening the restaurant again, bargain prices, my mother always loved to cook (She still does, she's the chef where she works now) And that went alright for the few steady customers we got, and when the weather was nice, there'd be some people ordering something simple like soup, or sandwiches, had a little break from whatever tour they were taking.

But I guess it wasn't enough. Even renovating the toilets, because they were rather antique... Business kept going downhill... My grandmother, and my aunts and uncles all said someone had to take over the family business, that is was a shame my brother and sisters wouldn't do it (Me neither, hell no, I'd seen the kind of life it was) but no-one else would do it either. So my parents kept doing it.

Until, a few years ago, one day my father got a near-heart attack, as the doctor called it. (Scared all of us to near-death as well)
My dad had suffered from different illnesses all his life, peptic ulcers, severe burnouts... He definitely couldn't handle the stress. So it shouldn't have been that much of a surprise, in retrospect. Actually, I'm guessing he was lucky, that it was just a warning.

That happened in the autumn, and my parents closed the pub that year. The first of januari the doors were closed, and would stay closed. My parents both went out to get a "normal" job, and I remember my mother working some 60 hours per week and looking nothing but relieved because she had so much free time now!

I moved to an apartment of my own, as my sisters had already done before me. My parents and my brother were left to live in that big house, which has only been deteriorating ever since. My parents have been trying to sell it for at least five years now, and every time they have a chance of selling it, the government jumps in with some sort of moronic rule, saying they can't. I've been on the verge of throwing a molotov-cocktail into their office more than once. One person makes a rule, my parents have to blow off the deal, and some other person comes in and says "oh, no, that rule was bullshit, you can go right ahead" But by then, they have to find a new buyer! It happened more than once, I tell you! In the meantime, my parents live in a building that is way too big, it costs them a fortune in insurance, and heating, and they can't seem to get rid of it.

The past few months there was finally some progress, things had been going rather smoothly, and plans were made, designs for new houses that would replace the one big "temple" it is now. Then the government jumped right back in. They had to do an archaeological research, because they had reason to believe the site would be of archaeological interest. When I heard it, I thought it would be another bullshit-thingy they came up with, and my blood started to reach a boiling point once more.

Last week my dad called, said they had found remains of a settlement from sometime in the iron age. Burnt charcoal, loam that they had used for building, and even human remains!
Ofcourse this will probably mean another delay in selling the house, but the people who are going to buy it already invested a lot of time and money in it, and this probably isn't big enough to scare them off.

But my dad and I already agreed that when they would start digging, we were gonna be there, looking at everything they find and keeping the archaeologists from their work with our questions, because right now, we don't care about the damn house anymore, we're just dying with anticipation to see what they dig up!

Kiwi's!!!!

2008-06-30T16:33:00.002+02:00

Got this from a random link on a not so random forum, and for some reason it nearly made me cry.. so sad...

Demolition Derby

2008-06-19T15:14:00.003+02:00

Well, almost. It has nothing to do with cars anyway, I was referring to our house. The past few days have been filled with loud noises, starting at around 7.30 in the morning (which is way too early for me), and dust. LOADS of dust.

I heard that desert sand is the worst thing to work/live in, because there's no way of keeping it out of, well, anything.

Here, though far from any desert, the dust that inevitably came with the rest of the mess has similar qualities. There's no way of stopping it, so all I can do now is wait until everything is finished, and then we can start cleaning everything. Though we cleaned the living room yesterday despite knowing we'll have to start over again in a few days. At least we can sit on the couch again, and use our computers. (That part was the worst, I can sit anywhere, but I missed my internet!)

The score so far;

We have new windows throughout the house, thermic glass, for better isolation.
We have new doors, with new locks, so that eventually we should only need one key instead of 3 to open all the doors.
We've been hiding out in the attic for the time being, since that was the only place the workers didn't need to be.
We had to go to my parents' house to take a shower because we didn't have any hot water.
Pica is now utterly confused about having to stay in the attic for three days, about all the changes that were made to "his" house, and about what all these people are still doing in our front- and backyard. He's trying to hypnotize them at the moment.
Marino and I are both extremely tired from getting up that early all week, and both our backs ache from cleaning the living room and having to move just about everything to the backyard and back inside at least once. (well, once. There was no need of moving everything twice, but it sounded more dramatic :P)
My eyes are now slightly infected because of all the dust that was flying around
and lots of other stuff that I couldn't be arsed to type here at the moment, because I'm too damn tired.

Tomorrow we're going to Marino's parents, to show them our new car.
--What, I didn't mention the new car yet??--
The Volkswagen that we had finally broke down completely, and since we've had nothing but trouble with it we decided to go against our budget and get a "new" one. As long as you have the luxury to go against your budget I suppose things aren't that bad. We now have a 1994 Peugeot 405, which is bigger AND better than the Volkswagen. Hopefully it will stay that way.

So now I'm going back to slacking and trying to give my eyes some rest while staring frantically at the screen. *Internet... INTERNET!!!!!*

Attempt at resurrection

2008-05-19T22:08:00.004+02:00

Not only for this blog though. It feels like my mind has been going through some sort of rebooting-sequence, if ever that is possible.

I know not much of what I have written in the past few months made much sense, add to that the fact that I hardly wrote anything... Well, I want to pick up writing again, since I find it helps me. Better yet, it clears my mind, whenever I write down my thoughts, it's as though the raging chaos gets directed into something more comprehensible. More logical. And the more I write, the more thoughts pop up in my head, cutting through the cobwebs that have formed.

The effexor did terrible things to me, and I've been more or less a zombie for the past year. Which means that now I have to reassess all my thoughts, emotions, decisions I made in that period, things I said or did, or didn't do or say. To make things worse, my relationship with Marino also suffered from this, and I'm realizing more and more each day how bad things have become. That probably didn't come out the way I meant it to, but that is exactly what has been the problem here. Being "zombified" really ruins any communication skills, so there's a lot of catching up to do, that was what I meant. But a lack of communication can do a lot of damage... So I find myself at a point where I not only still have the same amount of depression to work at, but also a lot of stuff that has built up in the meantime, which really, really needs to be resolved. That's what the medicine has done for me. It made things worse, and that has become increasingly obvious in the past few days.

I have to be honest in admitting that I've been on the verge of just giving up on everything a few times in the past period, and to be honest, looking at all that needs to be done for me to heal, and to make sense of my own mind again, and after that, my life... It's discouraging. Because it'll take a lot of energy I fear I just don't have.

On the other hand, life has always felt like a bloody battlefield, and though I go down relatively easy when kicked in the face, I do get up fast, and whoever dealt the kick suddenly finds him/herself in trouble of the worst kind. That's what keeps me going right now. I'm too stubborn to lose the damn war.

Ghosts, part... ehm... I lost count somewhere

2008-05-18T14:28:00.003+02:00

Yes, they're real, and yes, everybody has them.

I'm not talking about deceased people though, that's a different subject, one that can be discussed forever, bla bla, I really can't be arsed...

The ghosts I'm referring to are the ones we create ourselves, while we live our lives, the ones that come back to haunt you at the baddest of times, and the ones that are truly impossible to get rid of. Forget the ghost-busters, or exorcists... You can't direct them to the light. Not the ghosts I'm talking about.

However difficult it is for anyone to define who they truly are, as far as I'm concerned it's the ghosts that run the show. Maybe the things you can't let go are who you really are. Or at least a large part of that. I know I'm ranting, but I haven't done that in a long time, not in a good way, not on this blog, and maybe this place has become a bit of a ghost in itself, but in that case it's probably a good idea to try and resurrect this thing.

I know I should write more, get reacquainted with the words, that have become more and more elusive in the past months, maybe even years. Because I've found that most of my personal ghosts can be held at bay through writing about them. Maybe they just crave the attention, heh...

Still alive

2008-05-17T21:41:00.003+02:00

The withdrawal-symptoms are still raging, but they've transformed into something more subtle, less physical and more emotional. For now I'm just glad the brain-zaps have gone, because the mood-swings I have now are somewhat more familiar, I've already practiced in coping with mood-swings. (or just removing myself from the company of others when things get bad)
Brain zaps were a whole other thing, and I found out I coped poorly. Very poorly.

My overall coping skills need a lot of improvement though, but I'm trying not to get dragged into those moments, because I know things can (and most of the time will) turn around in a split-second. Needless to say it's confusing though, not only for me, but also for Monedula, whose coping skills are being heavily tested as well due to the current situation.

It's difficult for me at this point to say where the line lies between the withdrawal symptoms and my own mind-rollercoaster. Especially since the past few weeks have been very dramatic, not for me personally, but for some of my closest friends. Which, indirectly, has taken a heavy toll on me as well.

The stupid thing is, I need a lot of time to think, and I have a lot of things to think about. But all logic thoughts are being pushed out of my mind by the ongoing chaos that continues to rule my head. Maybe I should try to let go of the whole trying to make perfect sense out of things. Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I'll have to think about that, heh...

Meanwhile, the therapy continues, and sometimes, my therapist actually makes sense, but that usually results in me having more stuff to think about yet.

Some things get really old really quick. And sometimes they last a lifetime.

The most important thing right now, I think, is trying to keep things steady, keep myself out of new trouble, and not drink too much alcohol in the process. And that's a challenge for someone like me, gheh...

And now for something completely different!

2008-04-03T19:57:00.003+02:00

The rusty rollercoaster

2008-04-03T09:48:00.005+02:00

Figured it would be better to start a new post on all the frustration I'm experiencing at the moment. After having been deprived of any sufficient sleep for a couple of nights, I went to bed relatively early yesterday. Only to wake up at around 6.30AM.

Ofcourse there was no chance of me getting any more sleep from that point on, but I decided to stay in bed anyway, because at least when I was lying down I wouldn't experience those damn brain-zaps. Lemme write down any zaps I get from now on while zap posting this.

I have to admit zap that it's not painful, but it's enough to reduce my normal self to a friggin zap nutcase. I got up at 8 o' clock, already pissed off about everything, took a shower and went downstairs zap to zap zap zap start cleaning the stairs with the steam-cleaner. Because the fact that the stairs aren't clean pissed me off for zap some reason.

While the steam-cleaner was starting up, I made coffee and started up my pc. Then I decided to first try the steam on the walls (that are zap also filthy), just to zap check how strong it was. After that I started out on the lowest part of the staircase, one corner first, so that if it would zap zap damage the fabric, at least it would be on a part that you don't notice immediately. Seeing as that turned out alright I cleaned the bottom step. And got tired of doing that, so I stopped. (Yup, now we have only 1 clean step on the whole stairzapcase, looks charming)

I grabbed a cup of coffee and took it with me while I went to sit down on the ground in the hallway. ZAP ZAP ZAP Why? I dunno, seemed like a good zap idea at the time. zapzapzapzapzapzapzap Ofcourse the most logical thing to do now was start reading the steam-cleaner's manual (Never read a manual BEFORE you use anything, least of all ZAP when it concerns medication >_< zapzapzap)

ZAP, zap, zappedeezapzapzap (damn, ZAP this post is gonna contain more ZAPS than storyline)

It took me about five minutes to figure out the floor in the hallway wasn't exactly ZAP the most comfortable place to sit, so I got up to search for Pica. I know there's absolutely no logic in that.

Then I ate a few sandwiches in the living room, while playing radiohead (Hadn't played that in aZAPZAP long time, just needed a shot of Radiohead, hehe)
First thing I did then was check my mail, some forums and ofcourse Blogger.

Truth is, when writing my latest response, something in my head just snapped, so I started hitting myself on the head, while trying not to scream out for those ZAP damn brain-zaps to GTFO of my head... I sure hope the loss of mind is a temporary thing, kinda freaks me out.
Meanwhile I'm trying very hard not ZAP to start crying again, which in the past few days was something very easily triggered, didn't need much more than an annoying commercial on TV, or just a few of these zaps...

Jeez, how is it possible someone decided to make Effexor legal?

ZAP

You know, I figured that, had there actually been someone who was actively doing this to me, I could drag him to court and sue him for torturing me. zap
That's what zap these pills do, it's torture.

ZAPZAPZAP

Fuck this

Despair

2008-04-02T15:30:00.002+02:00

Just a friendly piece of advice for anyone struggling with a depression;

Don't take antidepressants unless there really is no other option, and even then, don't assume your doctor knows what he's doing, or that he's giving you all the information you'll want before you start taking pills. Like what'll happen when you want to stop using them, or whether it will even be possible. Please, please always think for yourself, and find all the information you can. Because doctors and psychologists don't really care if you get better. They care about getting their paycheck every month, and guess who's providing the larger part of that? I really don't need to spell it out, do I?

I wish someone had reminded me of this before I fucked up, because if I had known that there's a risk of me feeling like this for the rest of my life unless I keep taking Effexor forever I'd have never even considered it an option... And fact is that there are people who are forced to take this crap for the rest of their life because the only other option would be feeling like this forever.

The best way of describing it is like you're walking around for days with someone constantly following you around and smacking you on the head with a piece of electrical fence. I mean, I physically feel like someone is doing that, if I hit myself on the head it feels the exact same way. (Not gonna try the electrical fence though) Except there is no-one following me around, so there's no way for me to do anything about it. Trust me, if I had a chance, I'd grab him by both ears, nail them to the nearest table and start digging his heart out with a spoon. All I can do though, is wait for it to pass.

Admittedly, I did find a sudden understanding of what drove Van Gogh to cutting his own ear off.

So YES, Effexor is bad for you, unless you like to be driven insane. I'd advise anyone to try harddrugs first, seriously.

Creative Endeavors

2008-02-07T18:18:00.000+01:00

I've decided to pick up drawing again, something I haven't done in quite a while. So I thought it might be a good idea to make some studies first, anatomy, shadows, stuff like that. And now I'm sharing my first study with the world, hehe. I made a drawing of my hand, actually just on a piece of printer-paper, using a blue ballpoint. Scanned it and threw it into photoshop, just to turn the blue into black, and erasing a line I got wrong. That's all the editing I've done.

Not too satisfied with the result yet, because it's not entirely accurate (I kinda forgot how impossible it is for me to sit still, lol!) and I ended up with a lack of space on the right side, as you can obviously see. But I'm getting there.
Feel free to criticize, just know that criticizing the hand itself (Too fat, too big, stubby fingers....) will be pretty useless since it's obviously not gonna change. All you'll accomplish is pissing me of, which might be fun as well, but not quite what I was aiming for here ;-)

Here it is;

When my wrist stops hurting from trying to keep it in the same angle for about half an hour, I'll try another subject, don't know what just yet, I'd like to draw Pica but he has even more trouble sitting still ;-)

Renewal...

2008-02-05T15:59:00.000+01:00

As you may or may not have noticed I've changed a few things on this blog. Maybe because a few things in my life have changed as well. As far as the issues I'm currently dealing with, there is a bit of improvement, but I still have a long way to go. I'll get there eventually though.

As for the major changes, I suppose the biggest one at the moment is that Marino and I finally moved out of the apartment we lived in and went to an actual house, yay! This situation is so much better! We were both really unhappy in that apartment, because of the lack of space, and the bad neighborhood. We are living in a quieter place now, it's a good location, very close to the German border (No, it really isn't that bad :P) and a large forest. The house itself is quite big, with a spacious living room and 4 bedrooms. The garden isn't huge, but big enough, with a carport and a closed storage space.

It all just brings so many more possibilities, Marino can use one room for an office, since he started his own company in web programming, and I already claimed the attic for myself, to make music and have a quiet space for the other hobbies I recently picked up. I started woodcarving, no lessons or workshops or anything, just broke off a branch and started cutting away. Turns out it's one of the few things I actually have the patience for, and I'm getting quite good at it. I also want to pick up drawing and painting again, and I'm definitely gonna try stone sculpting (gonna start out small though)

We can finally throw parties now, because we have room for visitors, and when the weather gets better, we'll go barbecuing or just sit in the garden, one of the things I'm really looking forward to! Even now that it's still cold I enjoy just going outside and being able to sit there without anyone else bothering me, I've really been wanting to have my own garden, and I love it! I haven't had the time to plant anything yet, but I'm working out what I want, and what's possible.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention the kitchen! It's fantastic! Actually it's quite basic, no real luxury, but so much more space! The one we had in the apartment was about as big as a closet... Marino and I had just enough room to stand next to each other there, now I got space to actually cook! (that doesn't mean that I have to, does it?)

Pica and the birds are also quite happy here. We got two budgies to keep the cockatiels company, only they don't get along that well, the tiels are terrified, haha! Funniest part is that they're not at all impressed by Pica, but two little birds that are half their size scare the crap outta them... Weird birds...

We're also going to look for a friend for Pica, another cat he can play with, hopefully that will be more of a success than the birdies, hah..

I really do want to start updating this blog more regularly, hopefully I can keep it up though. I've got good days and bad days. The good ones are alright, but the bad days can get really dramatic. I don't want to flood this place with depressing stuff though, so let's see where this goes.

Actually I wonder if anyone is still checking or reading this place at all, ghehe...

Another major part of the puzzle

2007-11-21T19:38:00.000+01:00

Time for another update I guess...

For a while now I've been seeing a therapist, because of my depression. Therapy is going well, and I'd say I have a good therapist with whom I get along just fine. A few weeks ago I did a series of personality tests, and one of them was for an ADHD diagnosis, one that I requested myself, because I've had strong suspicions that I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). It's the same as AHDH, only without the hyperactivity, ghehe...

Today I got the test results, and Marino went with me. One of the results was, as I suspected, that I indeed have ADD. It was a relief to hear it, to get recognition, and now I have something I can work with, so I'm not unhappy about it at this point. But I need to think about some things now, and put things in a new perspective with the information I have now. There's also a chance that others in my family have the same disorder, which would not surprise me. But that I'm relieved to know about it doesn't mean that it will be the same for everyone, ofcourse. I'll see what happens from hereon. Lots of talking to my friends and family I guess, especially since one of them is also currently in therapy for something. It's great to get other people's perspectives on some things, that's why I'm posting it here as well I suppose.

That was actually another point that I need to work on. The tests showed that I'm very vulnerable emotionally, but that I'm not shy at all, something that is expected with people who are vulnerable, and also score as high on the "introversion" scale, like I did (which was very high)
Basically it means that I subject myself easily to situations that have a high chance of causing me to get hurt. Like someone in a wheelchair who insists on climbing the mount everest I guess... And I need to protect myself more, so actually, posting this here is another stupid thing to do. But hey, I'm doing it anyway, don't ask me why :-) I'm strange that way.

*picks up her climbing gear and starts struggling her way up the mountain*

The story continues

2007-09-13T20:43:00.000+02:00

Obviously, I haven't exactly been writing a lot lately... But I have had a lot of time to think. A LOT of time.

Since I heard I had to leave my previous job, things got worse. The depression that I've had as long as I remember, finally got out of hand. I didn't go back to work, and sat at home feeling miserable. I started crying for no reason at all, or for minor things that normally wouldn't even have bothered me. It was obvious that something needed to be done. So off to the doctor I went. After explaining the situation to him, and telling him how I felt, he agreed wholeheartedly in saying that I, indeed, had a depression. He gave me antidepressants that I have been taking since then.

But my contract wasn't finished yet, and I was sent to the company's doctor. Luckily, he also agreed that I couldn't continue working in my present state, and advised me to stay home and also try to keep a regular daily schedule to prevent myself from falling deeper and deeper into this. So that's what I did. My parents had every Wednesday off, and they were absolutely wonderful in asking me every week to go places, just walking in the woods, or visiting parks and stuff. that did keep me distracted and it was a nice experience.

But at home, things weren't well... I simply had no energy to do things like cleaning up, doing the laundry or washing the dishes. All I did was sleep, eat and play computer games. And drink alcohol. Too much alcohol. Marino was at work during the daytime, and at evenings he did tell me that I should be careful with alcohol. He pulled the brakes when I couldn't stop myself. Pica and the cockatiels were also a source of joy, they always make me smile, no matter how miserable I feel. It's great to know that those little creatures can love you so completely and unconditionally. Even if you're not always smiling or singing.

Marino also stuck by me if I was being impossible or just extremely passive. I know I've put a lot of strain on him, and he had plenty of things to worry about at work also.. He's been absolutely fantastic!

After my contract at work had ended, I went to a doctor that was assigned to me by the government. He was absolutely wonderful, I'd always heard that these people will do anything to get you back to work as quickly as possible, because if you don't work you cost money. But this man was impressed by what I had to say, and advised me to seek councelling, and get to work on these things before anything else. No matter how long it would take. He reminded me that it was also an investment in my own future.

Now, months later, I've finally had my first conversation with a psychiatrist. In a week or two I'll get an invitation for councelling with a psychologist that will be assigned to me. I think I'll make some homework by then, so that I can explain clearly what my problems are, and what I believe could be the cause of them. I'm glad that I'm finally taking steps towards a better, hopefully happier life.

The medication still isn't working as I think it should work, and I've had a stressful week... My sister getting help for her eating disorder (She will keep a blog about her therapy and her progress, but it's in Dutch. You can find it here), and my best friend having trouble with some authorities... I took my sister to her conversation with a psychologist, and I went with my friend to the conversation she'd have with the autorities (I can't be very specific about it, but let's suffice to say that they'll be forced to get help for reasons I can't really understand. As far as I can see they have done nothing wrong. But it could also have a more positive outcome in the end, so we'll hope for that) My friend is under a lot of stress because of the situation, as well as her husband, who also has trouble dealing with it. So I try to help them the best I can.

Only when I get home I notice the toll I pay for all these things. Right now I feel exhausted, emotionally more than physically. But I'm glad I can still be there when the people I love need me. That's something I should be happy about, that I can do these things. And they in their turn are a great support for me, it's nice to have such people in my life.

Tomorrow I'm having a second talk with the doctor that the government assigned to me. I'm a bit nervous of the outcome. I don't feel up to going working again, at all.. I hope he sees that too.

Smoke and Mirrors

2007-06-05T14:45:00.000+02:00

He looked around him while he lit another cigarette. How long since he had last been here? Must have been at least 20 years... Slowly he inhaled the smoke. Cigarettes were the only thing that could stop his hands from trembling now. They trembled a lot these days... Must be the medicines. But the real reason he smoked was to enjoy that first breath of fresh air after the smoke was out of his lungs. (His friends would die laughing if he told them this) It was almost sweet. That was one of the reasons he knew he wasn't a smoker, but just somebody who smoked. There was a big difference there. The other reason was that when he lit that cigarette, he was occupied with it. He never understood how people could forget about having a cigarette in their hand, or even in their mouth. Some people just lit the thing and went on doing what they were doing before that. He couldn't. When he was smoking a cigarette, he was actually busy smoking. Something he was doing. Like doing the laundry, or cooking dinner.

That didn't mean he forgot where he was, or why he was there though. The houses around him looked almost exactly as he remembered them. Strange, the details he remembered... Like the colour of that absurdly steep roof on one of the houses, the one he had gotten to call "The Castle" when he came here as a kid. That was the house he dreamt about last night. That and the one with the white fence at the front. The owners had painted it brown now, but it was still the same fence. Why he dreamt about this place he didn't know. But it had seemed real. Most of his dreams seemed real lately. In fact, he often woke up confused, surprised to find himself at home, in his bed, instead of wherever his dream had taken him. It got more and more difficult to separate dreams from reality, even when he was wide awake, though he hadn't told anyone about it. They'd just look at him with that worried frown he got so often, even from people he didn't know that well.

A few blocks away from here was the house where he grew up. He had no desire to go there, the house had no special meaning for him. It had been old and noisy, he had never liked the smell of it, and the good memories he had from his childhood were not connected to that house in any special way. It was these houses he wanted to see. He remembered riding around on his bicycle down this street, looking around him, and dreaming what it must be like to live in a house like this. They were large, and obviously expensive. When his uncle had told him that this was where the doctors and lawyers lived, he had decided that he would become a doctor or a lawyer himself. Or find another way to become wealthy enough to be able to afford one of these houses.

Another dream that had brutally shattered, he thought to himself, while he flicked the cigarette onto the sidewalk, inhaling that sweet, sweet air. Everywhere he looked there were bushes, flowers and trees, neatly mowed lawns and ponds with little bridges over them. Down the street was a park, but he went there only once as a kid. He wasn't supposed to go that far away from home. This street was well out of bounds already, but he thought it wouldn't be that bad, because it was a good neighbourhood. No thugs or prostitutes here, hell no! He still didn't dare tell his mother he went here though, too far was too far, no matter how you put it.

But that was then, and this is now, he thought to himself, as if he wanted to convince himself it really was. Was it? -Ofcourse it was!- He was 35 years old now, he had a job (not good enough to afford him one of these houses though, he thought bitterly) and a car, and nobody to tell him what he could or couldn't do. Not anymore at least. His ex-wife had tried, but he had left her almost a year ago. She didn't understand.

He couldn't explain.

It was funny how life could kick your ass when you least expected it... It was funny how he never expected it indeed... He wondered how he would have gotten through the day if he had decided not to go here today. When he dreamt about something, he got the urge to do what he had dreamt about, if possible of course... The more unnerving, and the outright dark dreams he tried to forget. They would leave him with an uneasy feeling throughout the day though. Like an itch he couldn't scratch, or a fly buzzing against the window where he couldn't reach it. But this dream was alright, nice even, though he felt a little disappointed.

The air faintly began to smell of rain, and in the distance, dark clouds started packing the skies, and drifting in his direction. He slowly walked towards the car, throwing one last look behind him as he got in and drove off in the other direction...

Revelations

2007-04-18T01:16:00.000+02:00

Marino is upstairs sleeping, and I tried to do the same. Only I couldn't...again. So I got to thinking. And felt I needed to write this down, so why not make it public, right?

I think a piece of the puzzle just fell into place.
Only this is not the sort of "aha-erlebnis" that makes you happy. On the contrary...
Well, if you read this blog regularly, you also read that I claim to have had a death wish since my early youth. One that disappeared and was replaced by a certain "uneasy nagging feeling".
Only, I named it that without bothering about being too specific. Truth is, I never felt I should have been born. The people who put me into this world haven't done me a favor by it, and even though I try to get along, and manage to do so most of the time, I do not... how do you say it?

I don't live.

Sure, I breathe, eat, drink, sleep, but it's for survival causes mostly. And I do have fun occasionally, but somehow even that doesn't feel real. I survive, but I don't live. I've never felt I belong here. Like I was born by mistake. At first it was because I knew I was different. When kids my age were busy exploring the world I was questioning it, and disapproving of most of it. When teenagers my age were exploring life, I was tired of it.
Now that other people my age are living their lives I'm still running from it. Now it is because I feel like a failure, because whatever I do, it's not enough. And I know it isn't because I don't put an effort into anything. Truth is, I don't want to, I want peace. But there isn't any.

So let me ask you a little question.

What do sleep, alcohol, computer games and drugs have in common?
They're all ways to escape. To forget about the world around you. At least, that's how I use (or used) them.

And I was fine with that, I had my job during the day, and my escapism during the evening. The fact that Marino is right there with me only justified it more.

And then I got fired...

They told me I can work there until the end of May, after that, I need to get a new job. And that's when it hit me. There is no peace. No matter what I do, life won't get off my back. I have to go right back in there, pretend to care, pretend to make an effort, put on my happy face and hope it works. Somehow the thought of that makes me break down. Because I don't want to. I don't want anything...

I suppose the "professionals" would call this a typical case of depression. I tried to deny it, and disagree, but I guess I can't anymore. I know it's not a new thing, it's been there in the background all along. I never did call my friends, because most of the time I just don't want to see anyone. I never did put in an effort because most things seemed to come to me naturally. But it didn't. Even picking up the phone to make an appointment with my best friends is an effort which, most of the time, I can't make. Not because of them. Because of me.

The thing that hit me tonight though, is that I don't have a death wish. I'm actually kind of afraid to die.
But I'm equally afraid to live, no, even more. I'm doing everything I can to avoid it, and when I can't I break down. This is what takes up all my energy, the living in between...

Honestly I don't know what's worse, or even what's more tiring, this, or actually trying to make the best out of it for once. But I do know why I'm scared to live. Because I get hurt. Life is cruel, and it's the kind of cruel I can't handle. It presents you with love, and then takes it away. And it keeps doing that. And you'll keep falling for it. It presents you with joy and beauty and then drops a bomb. And you also keep falling for that. Whenever I think of all my blessings I don't feel happy because I have all that, I feel pain because I know I'll eventually lose it. It tears me apart... There are few times that I enjoy a moment, just for the moment. Most of the time I'm thinking about when it'll all turn to dust again. Because it's so inevitable. And I can't get over it.

Lots of people would call me ungrateful, and maybe they're right. But I don't know if knowing that is enough to overcome this.

Confessions

2007-03-22T18:13:00.000+01:00

-I forget things, important things. If my pets wouldn't remind me that they're out of food, I'd even forget to feed them

-I'm convinced that there's a ghost in the attic of my parent's house. I saw it myself when I was around 11 years old, and nobody ever believed me. Last year my sister saw it as well, and described it as being exactly the same. When I reminded her of my "sighting" as a kid (which she had forgotten about) she backed off and said it must have been her mind playing tricks on her... I know it wasn't.

-Since my early youth I've used sleep and dreams as a means to escape from my own -not so perfect- life. I'm kind of thinking that might be the reason why now I need 12 hours of sleep per night and still wake up tired.

-I can't count the times when I nearly fell asleep while driving, almost killing myself in the process... I know it's dangerous, but I have to work, and being tired isn't an excuse. Luckily my shift has changed and I don't have to drink red bull all day anymore. I haven't told my boss about this however.

-As a kid, as far back as I can remember, I've had a deathwish. I've told people about that. What I haven't told them is how I used to fantasize about my own funeral, about how many people would be there, and how seeing them cry gave me the kind of satisfaction revenge would give. Revenge for them not treating me the way they should have, for not noticing me at all, or for being outright malevolent.

-Secretly, I still haven't forgiven my parents for how they treated me (and my sisters) when I was young, and what that did to me. Even though partially they had no choice, knowing that just doesn't seem to be enough.

-Even though I always say you have to live life to the fullest, I'm not making an effort myself. My whole life is just copied and pasted from what people around me have done, and I just tag along with everyone, not putting in anything for myself. I'm not even trying...

-When I laugh really, really hard, I have to force myself to stop, because if I don't I start crying. A display of emotions like laughing unlocks all the other emotions I keep inside I guess... Besides, laughing and crying are really not all that different from each other.

-I'm numb most of the time. Usually, I don't feel joy or sadness or passion, but I just behave the way people expect from me. I do feel anger or irritation for some reason, though luckily not all the time.

-I know that deep down inside my oldest sister is embarrassed by me, in front of her friends. I'm too loud.

-If I could be an animal, any animal at all, I'd choose to be a crow.

-Even though I might not be "happy", I am content with my life. Then again, maybe I am happy, but I'm just taking it for granted...

-I can be really mean sometimes when I really don't want to.

Jeremy spoke in class today

2007-02-21T19:15:00.000+01:00

I've heard the song "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam plenty of times, always liked the song, but never really got the background story, until a dj from a national radiostation explained that it was written about a boy who had gone and killed himself in front of his class in 1991... All stories I heard about it said he did it because he was picked on by his classmates and wanted revenge. From what I read so far on the internet I found that to be not entirely true. He had a lot of problems going on in his life, if you're interested there's a site with a lot of information, this newspaper article can also be found there, along with a picture...

This site

Still, the story intrigues me, maybe because at some point in my life the thought of doing the same thing crossed my mind once... or twice...
I guess that's why I decided to write about Jeremy, even though the story is way out of date.

Richardson Teen-Ager Kills Himself in Front of Classmates

by Bobbi Miller

Annette Nevins

RICHARDSON - A Richardson High School sophomore, described as a loner who had been in counseling, fatally shot himself Tuesday in front of a classroom of about 30 students.

Jeremy Wade Delle, 16, who had transferred from a Dallas school, died instantly after firing a .357-caliber Magnum into his mouth about 9:45 a.m. police said.

Because he had missed class, the teacher in his second-period English class told Jeremy to get an admittance slip from the school office. Instead, he returned with the gun, police said.
He walked directly to the front of the classroom.
"Miss, I got what I really went for," he said, then placed the barrel in his mouth and fired, according to Sgt. Ray Pennington, a police spokesman.

The shooting occurred before the students or teacher Fay Barnett could react, said school district spokeswoman Susan Dacus-Wilson.

It stunned students and faculty members throughout the school at 1250 W. Belt Line Road.

Brian Jackson, 16, said he was working the combination on his locker just outside Jeremy's English class when he heard a loud bang "like someone had just slammed a book on a desk."

"I thought they were doing a play or something," he said. "But then I heard a scream and a blond girl came running out of the classroom and she was crying."

Frightened, but curious, Brian looked into the classroom and saw Jeremy lying on the floor bleeding.

"The teacher was standing against the wall crying and shaking," Brian said. "Some people were standing around her holding her as if to keep her from falling."

Another student, Howard Perre Felman, and 11th-grader, was in government
class when he heard the shot. At first students joked about the noise, thinking that someone was playing around, he said.
"But then we heard a girl running down the hall screaming," he said. "It was a scream from the heart."

Sgt. Pennington said Jeremy apparently had given some thought to his actions because he left a suicide note with a classmate. Investigators would not disclose its contents.

Principal Jerry Bishop said Jeremy's class attendance had been sporadic.
Mr. Bishop said he had met with the boy and his father to discuss the problem.
Police said that Jeremy had been in counseling with his father, but they did not know the specifics.

Sgt. Pennington said police did not know where the youth got the gun and had no clue why he would kill himself in a crowded classroom.
The classmates who witnessed the shooting were immediately ushered to a secluded room for counseling. About 30 members of the school district's volunteer crisis team arrived to counsel students.

Classes continued throughout the day. Some students were allowed to leave early, but counselors encouraged them to stay at school and discuss their feelings.

Few students knew Jeremy well because he had attended Bryan Adams High School in Dallas last year and had enrolled in the Richardson school in October. They described him as a loner.

"He was real quiet and he acted down at times. He acted sad," said Koury Kashiem, 15.

Lisa Moore, 16, said she knew Jeremy from the in-school suspension program.
"He and I would pass notes back and forth and he would talk about life and stuff," she said.
She said Jeremy wanted to discuss the boy she was dating and also mentioned that he was having trouble with one of his teachers. He signed all of his notes, "Write back." But on Monday he wrote, "Later days." "I didn't know what to make of it," she said. "But I never thought this
would happen."

However, Sean Forrester, 17, remembered Jeremy as friendly with no outward signs of turmoil.
"He never looked like he had anything wrong with him. . .He always made a joke over everything," Sean said.

Jeremy was the son of Joseph R. Delle of Richardson, with whom he lived, and Wanda Crane. The couple divorced in 1979, according to Dallas County court records.

Mr. Delle could not be reached for comment. Ms. Crane, through a spokesman, declined to comment.

Tuesday's shooting was the first known teen suicide in a Richardson school. It was the first by a Richardson student since 1988, when student suicides prompted the creation of the crisis intervention program in May that year.
Three Richardson students committed suicide during the first half of 1988.
They included a sixth-grader and two sophomores at J. J. Pearce High School.
One of the sophomores hanged himself from a tree behind Mohawk Elementary School during a weekend.

In 1985, a 17-year-old Arlington student shot himself in front of four fellow students in the drama classroom at Arlington High School. Earlier, an outbreak of teen suicides in Plano, where eight youths killed themselves in 1983 and 1984, helped focus national attention on the plight of
suicidal teen-agers.

Students and counselors agreed that the shock of Jeremy's public demise would have a lingering effect on the Richardson students, particularly the witnesses.
"They are going to go through a ton of sadness, anxiety and fear," said Sheryl Pender, a counselor with Willow Park Hospital in Plano and former director of the Suicide and Crisis Center in Dallas.

Staff writer Jeffrey Weiss contributed to this report.

Let there be music!

2006-12-16T23:21:00.000+01:00

Hey everyone, I've been away for quite some time, now, still suffering from insomnia, and still feeling ill for no reason occasionally... I don't know what it is, but hey, I'm still alive, right?

Musically everything is going quite well lately, been helping out on the latest cd of a friend of mine, for whom I've been singing backing-vocals for some years already. The cd is finished, I like the result a lot, and as it turns out, other people do too. He gets a lot of positive feedback, and we're going to do 2 live-shows on local radio-networks. Well, one of them semi-live :P Got some offers on other gigs too, I'll keep you up to date on them as well.

The official cd-presentation is due January 26th. Location; Cafe de Splinter, Venlo.

You can already listen to some songs from the cd HERE
And if you want to order it, this is also the site for you :) There's even a video (I'm not in it, phew!)

Today Marino, my brother and I went to a big music store in Eindhoven, and Marino bought a digital piano (I believe it's meant to be a christmas gift for me or something, the guy is insane!!! :S)
Had the thing installed for like 1 hour and he asked me to please stop playing, hehehehe *evil*

I guess there's not a lot left for me to tell you, I'm still around, just don't have a lot of interesting stories to share right now. Too tired as well...

Helloooo Bit Fat Viking Ladeeeeey!

2006-11-21T17:00:00.000+01:00

Last weekend Marino and I went to an exhibition about Celts, in the "Limburgs Museum"
It was really interesting to see how people lived here so many thousands of years ago, and what they were able to make back then... For the exhibition the museum had reconstructed some ancient Celts, using the bones that were found. Turns out those guys were pretty weird... :-P

Armed and Dangerous

2006-10-27T21:07:00.000+02:00

I wrote this a while ago, but haven't posted it because... I don't know, maybe I didn't feel ready to share this... I have cooled down a bit since. Still stubborn though...

I'm posting it now, here it is.

Some people crawl back into their shell when threatened.
I don't.
Shells are for losers, I have a tank.
When I get threatened, betrayed, disappointed by someone in a serious way, I freak out. I pull all my defences back up and lash out at everyone and everything that comes near.

Funny, I was kinda hoping Marino would never have to see that happening. Then again, I was expecting he would eventually someday.
Yesterday was that day.
I had been brooding on war-plans and digging trenches for two days, not because of something he did (or didn't do) by the way. But he is closest to me, and he was there.

Someone I trusted has broken that trust in a very personal way. I found out this week, and it hit me really hard. Worse, it brought back the whole "There's no trusting men!"-thing that I'm trying so hard to deal with. That Marino has been trying so hard to deal with. In a matter of hours, the whole wall he had somehow managed to get through, was right back up again.

So when I got home from work yesterday, Marino wasn't pleased to see me drive into the living room in a tank. Even if it was a figurative tank, it was very obviously there. I had my shields up and my knives out!
Now, I'm not an expert on military devices and weaponry, but if you ask me, there's one major flaw in the general tank-design.
It has a hatch.
Marino simply opened it, climbed in and demanded we talk.
Another annoying thing about tanks; there's no hiding place inside of it. So we talked.

For many years I believed that the man who could deal with me when I freak out like that, was yet to be born. I thought there was no-one who wouldn't run once they saw that side of me.
I still don't know how he did it, but Marino just put me with my feet back on the ground, like it was nothing!
Looks like I may have over-estimated myself there, heh...
But I'm glad he managed to pull this off, I really am!

As for the person who triggered all this, what happened here was a mere side-effect of what he did. I'm still armed and dangerous, and far beyond reasoning on this subject.

And as for Marino;
Not only does he put up with me and my occasional temper flares, but he managed to talk me back into reason when I thought there was no more reason left in me. That truly is an achievement, I'm the stubborn type, gheheheh.....

The frenzy is not over though. But that uncontrolled explosion of red-hot anger has settled into an ice-cold rage. It's not easy to get me angry. I have a temper, certainly, but I don't get really angry a lot. For someone to achieve that, he must have pushed me very far, or very hard. Or both. And when that anger is there, the person on the receiving end had better realize it's for real.

Insomniac...

2006-10-02T18:31:00.000+02:00

Sleep...

Absolutely necessary for everyone, but somehow out of reach for me. Oh, I do sleep. A little.
But it takes at least an hour before for me to fall asleep, no matter at what time I go to bed. Then I wake up constantly, only to lie awake for more hours. Some nights I sleep alright. Usually when I drink alcohol. Some nights I float between sleep and waking. I spent nights on the edge, half dreaming, half staring at the ceiling, but never fully asleep.

It's been like that for years. Before my current job I worked parttime, and slept during the day to get my rest. I can't do that now. So I don't sleep.
Anyone who's been in the situation before knows what missing something that most people take for granted can do to you. Not sleeping takes you apart bit by bit. It slowly undermines your sanity. Despair is inevitable if you don't break the circle of -not sleeping-therefore fearing you can't sleep- therefore not sleeping-therefore....- and so on and so on.

I started yoga lessons 3 weeks ago, and the result so far is pretty good. But not enough to help me through the night without having to lie awake. So I payed the doctor a visit today.
He prescribed me some mild sleeping pills, and I have to come back in 2 weeks, see how it's going. We're going to try to find the cause of the problem, not just stopping the symptoms of it.

Tonight I've got yoga again, and after that I can get a sleeping pill and hopefully finally sleep :)

And then... Puzzlement!

2006-09-14T11:52:00.000+02:00

Right...

The egg disappeared without a trace! My best guess is that they ate it, but there's nothing at all left of it! And you'd expect the floor to be wet where it was, but it's dry...

I'm through with this, no crikey this time, and as far as I'm concerned they're not getting another chance at this...

Disappointment...

2006-09-10T14:13:00.000+02:00

Well, after the first egg last wednesday, there have been no more...

Chances are this will be the only egg, they've stopped sitting on it as well... Well, Toontje sits on it from time to time, and Pino checks it out as well, but theres no actual breeding...

Pino looks healthy as can be, I guess she just wanted to prove her femininity by laying an egg. I'll wait for another while, but I don't think anything big is gonna happen. Well, we didn't really prepare for this anyway, so it's for the better I suppose.

No Crikey then...

Just when you think you've seen it all.....

2006-09-06T21:44:00.000+02:00

The cockatiels come up with a great surprise...
An egg!

That's right, they started breeding as of last night. I could have seen something like this coming, had I only given it more thought. We bought them a bigger cage. And a bird-bath. Then let it dry up... But it wasn't until Marino sent me a text-message while I was at work, saying that the birds decided to pile up... ;-) (No Kai, this is not Pron!!!) That's when it hit me. They were starting a family! O_o
(Although Toontje looked like he wanted to go "CRIKEY!!! What happened here!?!?")

So last night Pino laid an egg in the dry bird bath. Don't laugh! if people can have babies in a bathtub, then why the hell can't a cockatiel do the same?! When I told one of my colleagues about it this morning, she told me to ask her brother for advice, he is also working at our company on a temporary basis. He has been keeping birds for a long time, and has a lot of experience with breeding them. So I looked him up when I came back, and told him the story. And to my astonishment he told me that Pino would probably do nothing tomorrow, and after that she would lay the rest of the eggs... Upon my inquiring how many eggs cockatiels lay, he answered placidly; "Oh, four or five, generally..." Way to go Pino and Toontje!!! He had me in shock there for a second....

I've decided to see whether they will hatch, only problem is that the bird-bath is not really a suitable breeding-location, so I'm going to borrow something more suitable from the guy (very nice of him by the way), along with some books on how to breed birds. I did stuff like this in school, but it's a long time ago, and I have no experience with this particular subject.

So ehm... We're finally used to having Pica around, and we're in already in a new "family-crisis".
Don't get me wrong, I think it's cool, but it was totally unplanned, and we have no idea what to do if those eggs actually do hatch. Where to go with the birds I mean. But I guess that is something to worry about later. Let's see how many eggs she will lay from now on.

Oh, Pica is doing just fine by the way, he is really sweet and cuddly most of the time, but he also gets very playful very often, and he tries to get away with stuff he KNOWS he is not allowed to. But we're being strict, and it seems to pay off on most levels... Except the using his nails on the furniture-part, trying to hypnotize the birds (and sometimes climbing in the cage), and him not being allowed to walk on the living room-table. He can sleep for hours in our arms, especially when he's being petted, and he doesn't make a lot of noise. he meows at us when he wants attention or food, but he's very civilized about it. We should post more pics I guess, but I don't want a mushy-kitten-blog... Oh, and he's growing a LOT!!! When we came back from Lowlands (been away for 4 days) I went; "Oh, look how Big Pica has become!!!" It's insane, really!

Yay!

2006-08-25T12:45:00.000+02:00

happy birthday to meee
happy birthday to meee
today brought me one year closer
to turning thirteeee :-S

No rainbows so far...

2006-08-23T13:47:00.000+02:00

One of the best performances on Lowlands 2006

Last weekend Marino and I went to a large Dutch music-festival called Lowlands. The festival is more about alternative music, but they had an absolutly pleasant surprise in the smallest of the tents. The crowd went absolutely wild! These guys were fantastic! If you want to see and hear more, check out their site; Blue Grass Boogiemen

Pigeon

2006-08-09T18:23:00.000+02:00

I've been mocking the subject, I know.

But I passed a dead pigeon while cycling home from work. I had seen it lying there for some 3 days now. And passed by, too obliged with my own petty worries to care.
If I had still been nine years old, I'd have stopped, picked up the bird, dug a hole somewhere close, with my bare hands if need be, and given it something of a funeral. Oblivious, or maybe just careless of who would see it, and what they'd think. Of getting my hands dirty, touching a dead animal... I used to not care about that.

Today I looked. It lay there, it's body twisted in an unnatural angle, but otherwise intact. Eyes opened, fixed in a dead gaze, up to the sky. Up to where it had belonged before someone killed it. Probably in their car, off to work, or back from work. Someone oblivious, or maybe just careless of what they had caused. And me? I cycled on, like everyone else.

But the nine year-old girl within me decided she would catch up with me later. She stopped, picked up the pigeon, dug a hole in the ground with her hands, and gently laid the pigeon in it, then covering it with sand and saying a little prayer. Religious or not, it was a living creature.

Maybe it's these things that really matter eventually. These things that define true kindness.

I'm wondering if that nine year-old girl is still willing to return to me after the funeral, or if I've lost her by being so oblivious. No, not oblivious, just lacking modesty...

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-31T12:59:00.000+02:00

I can't believe this guy!

Incredible!

*Dies

Random

2006-07-30T00:27:00.000+02:00

I was a little out of inspiration... So I decided to nick another of Kai's great ideas, and adjust it to my own liking. If you want to see what Kai wrote, click the post title or the "Philosophical inquiries"-link to your right.

I decided to extract and re-post some excerpts from my previous posts. Some of it may carry out a whole other message after having been taken out of its initial context, but maybe it'll make it more obvious too...

--------------------------------

Oh well... even secrets aren't meant to last forever, or so it seems...

---------------------------------

Outside it's raining (I like rain, so there's no problem) and I'm enjoying sitting here, listening to "Close to you" by the Cure. Great song :-)
I think today is going to be a good day. I think next year is going to be a good year.
And when the sun breaks through later in the day, I might get another rainbow for my birthday, like I got last year. That was beautiful :-)

---------------------------------

I can't remember all the times that I sneaked outside as a teenager. I'd just climb out my bedroom window at night, and take a walk to the river that is close to my parent's house. I was never afraid, on my own in the middle of the night. I used to just sit there, and watch the moonlight reflecting over the river, and sometimes I even brought a notebook and a pen with me, and wrote poems and song-lyrics. With only the light of the moon to write by. Somehow, sitting there, by myself at night, gave me a strange sense of belonging, and I don't think that will ever really go away.

---------------------------------

And I'm asking myself;

Why? I can feel the depression kicking in again, though I probably won't let it get as bad as before. But what will this "internal philosophy" bring me besides pain? What good will it do? And why would I sacrifice my happiness to it?

I just don't know, But if that's what it takes, that's what I will give.

---------------------------------

And I still hate how they creep up on unsuspecting people like they do. I know for a fact that they laugh their tiny spiders-asses off when they scare someone like that, the cheeky little buggers...

---------------------------------

And as I walked up the stairs, and looked out of one of the other windows, she was still sitting and staring at the door... I could swear we both felt a bit lost...

I like her.

---------------------------------

I stared at my hand for like.. a minute, maybe two, until I realized what must have happened...
I was struck by lightning!

---------------------------------

But I guess I kind of decided to leave the two alone, because, as a human, I have no right getting involved in cat-business. As if I would even come close to comprehension of their superior level of sophistication. I can't even walk without sounding like a crippled bull stampeding through dense undergrowth. Not to mention my poor, poor purring-capacities. duh...

---------------------------------

Until then, don't do anything I wouldn't do!
(this means; all rules have been suspended!!!!! w00t!!!!!!!!)

---------------------------------

There's nothing poetic about this - nothing romantic- It just sucks.
It's cold and smelly and annoyingly tedious, and I'm starting to wonder how songwriters manage to take a situation like this and make a romantic song about it. I guess I might have given it a shot if I had been in the possession of either a bottle of whisky, a joint, or my very last cigarette...

---------------------------------

-It's constricting me, entangling me, encoiling me. If you've ever seen a constrictor snake kill its prey, you know what I mean. It just wraps around the victim, and everytime it exhales, the snake wraps its body tighter, until the prey simply cannot inhale anymore. It feels its bones crushing, its eyes pop out of the sockets, and its blood stagnating. It chokes, but it's worse... That's what's happening to my heart and soul. that's the way it feels, except that it washes away my defences with kindness and hope. It slithers around me like a warm bath, and waits for me to exhale. And I exhale with gratitude. That's the worst part of it. I still think it doesn't really want to hurt me.-

---------------------------------

Good thing I still have my shitty sense of humor.

---------------------------------

Janssenauto's sucks!

---------------------------------

A few obvious things can be concluded out of this;

-Time sure does fly, damnit...

-writing by moonlight screws up your eyesight

-Janssenauto's sucks

-Kai's version of this idea is definitely the better one

-"exaggerate" could very well have been my middle name

-The password is Fruitcake

:P

Pica!!!!!!!!

2006-07-28T23:45:00.000+02:00

I made some quick pics, most of the time he's long gone by the time my camera has focused...

So here he is, for anyone who actually cares :P

Hey! Lemme sleep...

Ice cube... Hmmmm..... (It has been over 30 degrees celcius for the past 3 or so weeks. Anyone need an explanation for my explosive temper? There you have it. But at least I was considerate enough to give the cat an icecube)

Didn't want me to go to sleep, haha! I went anyway, tough luck buddy!

Whiskers on Dragons...

2006-07-24T20:54:00.000+02:00

That would be the appropriate way to put it in this case, lol!

Because the little devil that roams our house since last thursday is everything but the cute little kitten you see in tv-commercials (Well, maybe a tiny little bit. He's really cute when he's dreaming, heheheh...)

But he's our devious little kitten, and we named him Pica.
I'd post an entire story about him, if Marino hadn't already done that, so check out his blog!
He posted some pictures as well. And forgot to mention that sweet little innocent Pica also dug up and ate my plants... :-(

Go and check out the rest at Monedula, to your right.

Edit; Damn Blogger! Damn it to hell! >_<

Kitten countdown ending

2006-07-20T07:37:00.000+02:00

Today is the big day :D

We are finally getting our cat this evening, we've been waiting long enough, we've got everything ready, purchased the finest "kitty gritty" ;-) and good quality kitten food, and most importantly, the birds are in a better cage, to prevent him from eating them if he would ever try to :P

Marino has been doing most of the kitten-updates on his blog, but for everyone who missed it, we're calling the cat "Pica". It's maybe not the most suitable name for him, but it's the only name Marino and I managed to agree on, after some 2 months of arguing and disagreeing, heheheh....

We'll post some pictures of Pica in his new home as soon as possible. I think he'll love it here, it's a cat's paradise after all, with two large birds and a fishtank full of fish, lol! I'm just glad we picked the quietest one of the 4 kittens, and we'll just have to hope that he is not going after his "roommates".

For the rest, everything is going rather crappy, really... I'm being threatened by tax collectors to pay bills I never received, I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over...well..I forgot. The weather is fucking hot, it has been over 30 degrees for some time now, and no change planned for the next few days. Yesterday it was 35 degrees, and for today and the coming weekend the prediction is some 32 degrees... I have two cockatiels who start shouting from the top of their lungs as soon as the sun comes up, which is at about 5 or 6 o' clock these days. I finally found a way to shut them up until the time I need to get up for work. But there's not much solace in that when your neighbours decide to make lots and lots of noise at 4 o'clock in the middle of the night, involving breaking glass, hitting other materials, car-alarms and a circular saw... And I didn't even bother to call the police. Stuff like that is pretty common around here unfortunately. I just wish they would wait until I'm NOT trying to sleep! >_<>

Warning: Rant

2006-07-11T17:56:00.000+02:00

I'm pissed.

Pissed that I didn't get the time I needed yesterday to be alone. I'm not blaming anyone for that, I'm just annoyed at the situation. It would have been my first (very much needed) evening alone in some 2 weeks, but something interfered with that, and I spent the rest of the evening being even more cranky.

I'm pissed at the guy in the van in the parking lot where I am right now, spending my lunchbreak.
He didn't even look at me or something, I'm just pissed that I don't have the parking lot for myself.

I'm pissed because the sun decided this is the perfect time to come out and burn, when I'm going to be parked here for some 45 minutes, and can't turn on the airco unless the engine is running.

I'm sevérely pissed at the woman in the supermarket, who decided to bump into me while I was trying to pay for my groceries, and worse, remain in that position, pushing me. Just when I'm trying so hard to avoind ANY kind of human interaction, even with the few people that I do like. I was so pissed that I demonstratively put up my wallet as a shield to prevent her from seeing my PIN-code, because she was closer to the fucking screen than I was, and not moving out of the way. For some reason that only resulted in a slightly embarrased and apologetic look towards her, from the girl behind the counter. But she didn't move, not even when I "accidentally" elbowed her. I did hear her making some kind of smart remark to the cashiere when I walked out. Stupid cow.

Hell, I'm even pissed at traffic today. Because everyone decided to drive too slow in front of me, but mostly because of the fact that they can see me, and I have to see them.

I'm pissed that I need energy drinks to stay awake during the day, while apparently there's nothing that can provide me with a decent night's sleep.
I'm pissed that it's too hot to sleep in the evening, and then I wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning because I'm cold, for fuck's sake...

I just needed to vent that.

Digging in the dirt

2006-07-10T18:16:00.000+02:00

I'll be honest for a moment....

For the past few weeks I haven't been feeling alright. Maybe it's a depression kicking in, I don't know. But it results in me feeling bad in general, and even not being able to hold back my tears at certain occasions. It's nothing serious, but it troubles me nonetheless.

But I think a change is in order. I've been trying to give some advice to a friend, but I forgot to tell him to do as I say, not as I do. That's always my problem I guess...

Then, I got to thinking about who I am, and who I was. The reason for that is that I've always seen those two as two different people. And still do. The former me, who used to not fit in, be bullied, misunderstood, unsupported by anyone, and still open to what I believed was the fundamental "goodness" of people. That was a long time ago. I stopped letting people walk all over me all the time. I stopped believing in fairytales, and I started believing in taking my life into my own hands and not relying on anyone else. That's what you get for getting disappointed.

So I stopped thinking about how it should be, and tried to make things better for myself. I got hurt, got back up, got knocked down again, got back up, and this continued for a while. And I realized that all the feelings I had were irrelevant to anyone but myself. They were far from unique, because all of the feelings I experienced in my life had been felt previously, by other people, but in the same situations. The universe does not care about how I feel.

After being down like that for quite some time, I decided not to be down anymore. Frankly, it WAS that simple. It took me quite some time to fit into my new mask, but now that it fits, I'm arrogant. I dislike myself for it, but I have to be, in order to protect myself. I no longer believe that people would not want to hurt me unless I had done them wrong somehow. They've proven otherwise time and time again. I believed in an ideal world, but boy, was I ever wrong...
So I filter out the people that contribute nothing or nothing good to my life. I'm a lot tougher than I was before, and I won't be taken for granted.
Where people used to laugh at me and push me around, they now look up to me and respect me. And I believe that, just like I believed them when they said I was nothing.

I hated the person that I was, I really did. But why am I still wearing the same "funny" mask that I decided to wear then, if I believe that I don't need it anymore? After giving it some thought I've come to the only logical conclusion; I was a nicer person then than I am now. And maybe, subconsciously, I couldn't let that go. But I had no choice but to become what I am, it was that, or be trampled by the world. I'm tougher, I'm cooler, I'm more respectable to most people, but I used to be nicer, smarter, wiser, unspoiled. I read an interview with Leszek Kolakowski, a Polish philosopher, who says that living in exile is good for the spirit. And I have to agree with him. If there is no-one to fall back on or distract you, you start reflecting. And you become wiser as a result. That's my experience anyway. And right now I'm too distracted to think properly about anything. I'm not slowly becoming a better person through my setbacks in life, I'm in a process of slow decay, as are most people.... And I developed sort of a sick appreciation for that.

So I'll stick with my arrogance, and I advice other to do the same, if they want to get by in life. If people don't see what a great person you really are, it's their loss.

Summer impressions

2006-07-08T18:42:00.000+02:00

Along the canal in Tilburg there are a lot of geese. They are used to the traffic there, and walk around like they own the place. Here's a group taking a walk with the little ones.

This is where I spent my last lunchbreak :)

When summer just started I went for an ice cream with my best friend. We drove past this here pasture, and I asked her to stop the car so I could make a picture of it :) I think it's beautiful...

After a night of drinking at my parents' place, Marino, my sister, her boyfriend and I walked home together. We passed a children's playground, and my sister's boyfriend decided that 3 o' clock in the morning is a decent time to go and play... He's done worse things, we're used to it, lol!

Traditionally my sisters and I hang out in the park with our friends when the weather is good. This is the group on a random saturday evening... (the dog is named Zappa, she's fantastic, and she belongs to my big sister) The park is right next to where I live. it's a 3 minute walk.

Yesterday, Marino and I went to feed the ducks at a pond near where I live. We went there with a good friend of mine, brought a bottle of wine and just had fun. We were very popular with the ducks, but I guess that's because of all the bread we brought with us. I never knew ducks could jump, but these sure did, to get the food out of our hands.

Written during worktime, don't tell anyone ;-)

2006-07-07T19:59:00.000+02:00

Oh man, I've decided to stop here at this gas station for a while. I know I'm in a hurry, getting visitors tonight, and I have to have dinner ready by the time Marino gets back.But at this point I'd be willing to just cancel all appointments and lock myself in the house for the rest of the evening.

Why?

because I'm having a fucking weird day today, and I'm afraid I haven't seen the last of the weirdness yet. Nothing big, but it's a constant stream of little incidents that I just cannot explain. (or that are just plain annoying)

It started this morning, when I woke up after a bad night's sleep. I wanted to get dressed, but couldn't find my t-shirt that I wanted to wear. Marino said the he had washed it and put it on the laundry-rack to dry. It wasn't there... We looked everywhere, but it couldn't be found. My house isn't that big, and it's still missing...

So I found another shirt to wear, put on my green trousers, wanted to put on my shoes, and saw that my trousers were torn. It must have happened at work at some point, but I hadn't noticed it yet, until this morning. I just put on another pair of trousers, and went to work.

At work, everything went its usual way, except for the fact that Kai spoke more than two words to me. (a rare occasion) ;-)
On my way to Tilburg, while driving on the highway, a pigeon suddenly flew up off of the middle of the road. (Yes, the MIDDLE of the highway) I nearly hit it, but it looked like it got away. Then, when I looked in the rearview mirror to see where it went, there was not a pigeon in sight. Funny, because I had never seen it sitting there either, and even pigeons are not stupid enough to sit down in the middle of speeding traffic... Or so I thought...

Next, I parked the van in Tilburg, where I caught a reflection in the window of a car that was parked there. I saw the sun and clouds reflected, but they had the shape of an eye. It looked so real that it was as if I was staring into an actual eye, only bigger and scarier... Like I was losing my mind at that moment, I can tell you that...

Right after that, Marino sent me a text message asking me to call him when I had the time. Something about work... So I parked the van alongside the road, to connect the headset. Reached for the phone, that I put on the seat next to me. No phone...
I turned the whole van inside out, looking for it. but still no phone...
So I dialed my number from the built-in phone in the van, heard my phone ringing from all sides, but at least I had some kind of idea where it would be. And indeed, I found it, after 15 minutes of looking...

Lastly, on my way back from the last customer I stopped at a gas station for a bio-break. Parked the van, had to back up a little, and.... hit a lantern pole.
Luckily there was no damage anywhere. Just startled me.
Therefore I decided to stay here for a while, take a break, and write the whole thing down.

If anything else weird happens today I'll just add it to this washing list.
Feeling slightly uncomfortable already...

Janssenauto's sucks!

2006-06-14T21:00:00.000+02:00

Read it and weep.

I heard from a friend who used to work for a local company named Janssenauto's that he was fired for saying that Janssenauto's sucks. Understandable, maybe a bit over the edge, but still... Maybe he hit a sore spot, you never know. But there's a funny twist to this particular story, so I decided to put it online so everyone can decide for themselves. I'm telling the story the way I heard it, and if there are any inconsistencies or misinterpretations, don't blame me.

This friend, we'll call him Bartje, worked there for an employment agency. No contracts or stuff. So far so good I hear you say. Indeed it is. However, he got in a quarrel with one of his colleagues, I believe Bartje had a nickname for this man, and the guy eventually threatened Bartje that he would run him over with a forklift if he would name him that one more time. I think you can all guess how Bartje responded to that... His colleague decided that he would keep his word, and indeed, ran Bartje over with the forklift. I'd call that outrageous, no matter in what perspective you put it. The average amount of people who die in accidents with forklifts is between 4-6 per year. The average amount of people getting severely injured in accidents involving forklifts lies between 180 and 260 per year. Not even counting the accidents that result in "normal" injuries... (some 1000) These numbers are impressive, if not shocking, especcially in a small country like the Netherlands.

Bartje was lucky enough to get out of this ordeal in one piece, but he was extremely pissed off. He was called to meet the staff, and the "company elite" told him that what had happened was a "company secret" meaning he was not to ever tell a living soul about it. Personally, I would have kicked their asses right there and then. But not Bartje. He did however fail to comply with the orders he had been given, and wrote the story on his personal blog. he had told nobody at work (or connected to the company) of the existence of said blog, and he wrote there that Janssenauto's sucks. A few days later he was called again, and the managers said that they had read what Bartje had written (insert huge question mark here) and that he was to be fired because of it. If that doesn't raise your eyebrows, keep on reading.

Bartje decided that his blog must not have been safe to write on anymore, so he deleted it. But a friend of his also had a blog, and a forum connected to it (limited to a small group of close friends). Bartje, being a regular visitor there as well, told everyone there what happened, and, when replying to a comment one of his friends made about the province we live in, stated that our province should become a souvereign country, away from Janssenauto's. (as in; "joke") A few days later he received a phone call from the employment agengy he had been working for, saying that they had read his comments, and that they were not pleased. They then threatened with a financial penalty if it happened again. Once again I ask myself, how the hell did they find out what he had written? Bartje decided to ask them how they knew, and they said they googled on "Janssenauto's". I'm not convinced about it though, this sounds more like virtual stalking. I'm not sure if that's an offence by law, but it sure as hell is a big, big no-no.

First, Janssenauto's should be extremely happy that Bartje didn't sue their asses to hell and back, and second, I think that if the way they dealt with this particular situation is representative for their overall company-policy and "spirit", they don't just suck. They are fascists. (IMHO that is)

If I were to be found dead somewhere over the next months, please print this page and hand it to the police. Thank you.

(anything written in this entry is written from a completely personal point of view, and heaven knows I can be vicious as hell. Don't sue me for it, it'll only get worse)

06-06-06

2006-06-06T22:05:00.000+02:00

Any strange things been happening to anyone today?
No-one been playing their records backwards? Mirrors breaking? other weird stuff?

Oh man, all day long it's been on the radio, and in the newspapers. Whereas the most radiostations I listened to were pretty sceptical about the supposed evil value of today, they did see the commercial possibilities of it, and grabbed the opportunity. I can't say I blame them. It's just that on days like these, you get confronted with human stupidity in all its forms, and that's frustrating, not to say annoying.

Christians from all over the world have started praying this morning at 6am, and kept it up until 6pm. Which would have been good if it would have kept them from spreading fear among other stupid people, and worst of all, little children. I watched the tv this morning and saw a little boy sitting among his "fellow" Christians, praying as if his life depended on it. That's probably what they told him too, the bastards...
Then they filmed one woman who explained why they did this. In her own words, it was to "keep the devil down, and Jesus up" Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but I'm positive that she had no idea either.

I'm sorry if I seem bitter or harsh, it's just that this sort of behaviour gets on my nerves in a really bad way. And for some reason this stupidity, because that's what it it, is generally accepted, and encouraged too! If someone genuinely believes that Adam and Eve were the first humans, and we are all their descendants (which, in many cases, wouldn't surprise me at all, but I wouldn't brag about being in-bred if that was the case), or if someone is convinced that Jesus actually walked on water, they are "good Christians"
When someone believes there is "life out there" (meaning extraterrestial intelligence) he's a fruitcake. Even though the chances of there being intelligent life in space (I just hope there's intelligent life somewhere in this universe, cause it sure as hell is scarce around these regions)
are no comparison to the possibility, if there even is any, that Jesus walked on water. There are people who seriously claim that the earth is FLAT for Pete's sake!!!

http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/

Do yourself and me a favor... go, point, and laugh...

Supposedly, Nostradamus predicted that today Satan would be reborn. (That's right, at 6:66 and 66 seconds exact) This in itself proves to me that Nostradamus was indeed full of crap. Even George W. Bush could have made a "prediction" like that, and it's commonly known that he is the "full-of-crap"-rolemodel of our time. Think about it. I rest my case.

So, out of curiosity I went to see what the self-proclaimed experts have to say about the whole thing. Turns out they don't give a crap about today's date, but they did decide, upon hearing about all the Christian superstition, that they would gather in L.A. for some good pointing and laughing. I kinda ROFL'd at reading this, hehehe....

So I read a little more, and found to my surprise that a lot of the ideas "Satanists" have are similar to my own ideas. Besides, they have a nice, sarcastic sense of humor, whereas the Christian church has none. I'm not suddenly gonna convert to Satanism or something, because I resent religion in general, as, or so it seems, do they. Furthermore, I don't agree or comply with ALL of their ideas, mainly the funny looking suits and masks and stuff. Just thinking people should try to keep an open mind (except when it comes to violence, hatred and abuse of any kind ofcourse)
So I linked their rather bad-looking (hehe) site in the post-title for your information.

There's one "rule" that I do try to comply with, and I'm not sure if it's also in the satanic bible, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is. "An ye harm none, do as ye please"

(followed by a loud "HARR HARR HARRRR!!!" or "HAGGIS!!!!!!!!" if you will)
still, I think that if everyone would live by that rule, nobody would need a bible, religion or 10 commandments.

But I would like to hear about bizarre stuff people have been confronted with today, or strange coincidences that have occurred, hehehehe... For instance, today I found out that, apparently, my nose had been bleeding during the night. There was a lot of dried-up blood inside my nose (sorry you guys, it's a true story, if I made one up I would have picked a more charming one) but not a trace on the pillow. I'd wager that it started bleeding at exactly 6:66 this morning!!! Oh wait, I was wide awake by then. Well, the only reasonable explanation to me would be that this is just a new case of "cattle mutilation"

;-)

All work and no pay...

2006-05-31T20:20:00.000+02:00

I guess I have no right complaining when comparing this to Marino's case. But he's got his own blog :P

I wrote this yesterday, while waiting on my colleague who was on his way to bring me the goods I had to deliver to some customers. (long story, not interesting)
Since I had an hour to fill, I decided to write a new blog-entry (in my blocnote that I always carry with me) Didn't keep me busy for an hour though, but it was something ;-)

I've been driving all morning, routine work. Well, it is by now. I still like it though, but some things really bug me. Like for instance, I never know beforehand what shifts I'll be working on certain days. Makes it difficult if not impossible to plan stuff. Then there's the fact that I should have gotten my contract a month ago, and not last week. Worse yet, they promised me I could work 30 hours a week, minimum. And now they sent me a contract for 19 friggin hours! I can still work 30 hours, that's not the problem, but if I should get ill, or whenever I get a day off, I'll get paid according to my contract, which is pretty poor... This really pisses me off, I quit my old job because I couldn't work more than 20 hours, and now I got a 19 hour contract! I didn't even like 30, but it was a start. Besides, I had to take what I could get. The job sounded good, and they said I might even be able to work 40h a week...

So I called my boss to tell him that I didn't agree. He said that he would discuss it with his colleauge, and he'd get back to me ASAP. But in cases like this one, I don't work on a "don't call us, we'll call you"-basis. So I just called him again. Secretary said he was in a meeting, and he'd call me back... Right...

I already discussed the situation with a colleague, and she's hoping I can do something about it. But I'm afraid I've not much of a choice otherwise. I don't have a very strong case here, right?
I just hate it when people manage to get away with crap like this, so I'll give it my best shot anyway.

-update; I walked up to my boss' office today and asked him what the deal was. After a long conversation (luckily, I get along quite well with him, and we had laugh or two as well) the deal was this; I'm not getting the contract I want at this point, but in a few months there may be some colleauges of mine that want to go back to school (or even get fired, though he didn't say that, it's a rumour I heard) and by that time they'd see what could be done. And indeed, I have no choice... So I'll just sign the bloody contract and be done with it. Been having a headache over this the entire week, and it's getting worse...

But there's good/funny news also! I went to work this morning, walked around for a bit, and bumped into the one and only Tomkeen!!!! Turns out he's been working there since yesterday, and he will be working with us for the next three weeks. That'll be phun!

Finally some pictures!

2006-05-21T13:48:00.000+02:00

Marino and I went to visit Muis and her kids again yesterday, and this time we didn't forget to take pictures :)

One of them is always hissing at everyone, kinda funny, haha. The red one is the biggest and strongest one, and he's always looking to get in trouble.

Alright, here they are :)

Mum looking to see what's going on with her kids
(does anyone recognize the bowl in the background? cause I do, didn't say anything about it though...)

The one I'm holding on the picture is the one with the grey paws, and Marino and I both think this is going to turn out to be a rather big cat. He has bigger paws than his brothers and sisters, and slightly longer hair. He's a relaxed cat, but likes to play as well. The only problem is that he starts meowing everytime I pick him up, heheh... So we'll see if he'll like us when he's a bit older. Marino and I both adore him, and we'd like to keep him. Nothing is certain yet though, we'll just have to see how everything turns out.

Genius- the somewhat stolen chronicles ;-)

2006-05-19T12:09:00.000+02:00

It still occupies my mind...

About a year ago, I found out that my IQ was not the meager "just-above-average" number I thought it was, but one that's remarkably higher. It's in the 99,4th percentile...

There I sat, reading it, but not believing it. Maybe I still don't. How could all the other tests have turned out so bad then? I know how, because I'm quite bad with numbers. Maybe not even that bad, but insecure and totally inexperienced, since I've tried to avoid the subject as much as I could. Could be...

I've always been insecure about my mental capacities. Scared to come across as dumb. I know I'm clumsy and confused at times, so that added to the insecurity.

Funny thing is, I've always been confident about my learning skills. Though I've proven over and over again that I'm absolutely insufficient in coping with school. So if I could have been so wrong about one thing, why not about the other as well?

Not so long after I got these test-results, I had a conversation with a cousin of mine. Someone I see once a year maybe. We got to talking about education, and he was truly surprised to hear that I failed to graduate from more than half of the schools I ever attended.
He thought I had gone to university or something similar. We both had no clue as to where he had gotten that idea. But it showed that maybe I do come across as someone with a high IQ.

Then again, someone once told me he had an IQ much higher than mine, I didn't believe it at the time, and still don't, though I have no contact with him anymore. So either he was lying, or these tests just aren't reliable. (that, or he learned to behave convincingly stupid)

The past two months there were a few times where I had to wait a while in the trainstation. This resulted in my buying the last two editions of Psychology Magazine.
It's not heavy lecture, by any standard, but it's fun to read, and the subjects are interesting. Something I cannot say for every other magazine I ever read. They were entertainment, at most. This one gets me thinking however, in the mindframe I like to be in.
I'm considering a subscription, but it's quite expensive...

One thing I did decide though, if I really have such a high IQ, I might as well start behaving according to that. Maybe practise my numeric capacities (or lack thereof)

And now I'm going back to my mind-numbing job ;-)

Watskeburt?

2006-05-15T20:23:00.000+02:00

So what's going on here lately, besides the kitten-roadshow?

Well, I'm busy with my new job, which I really like. Still getting used to working full time though, since that is something I'm not used to. I know, I'm lazy. But luckily I've had the chance to work fulltime for over a month now, and it's going better. This week is an easy one though, but I guess I needed that for a change. Best of all, I'm expecting my contract in the mail anytime this week. :D

Marino and I are still successfully annoying each other and stuff ;-)
But we generally have a really good time, and as far as I'm concerned, everythings A-OK :)

Music is going quite well, as you might have read on everyone else's blogs, heheh... I've been busy with some gigs (In one of which I was the surprise guest, lol!) and we're still busy getting our material finished for "Fucking Fiës" the 3rd edition. We already know it's going to rock! If we practice that is....

I've had a few offers as well, for joining some other projects. One of them from Etan, a friend of mine, with whom I've worked regularly for a few years now. I'm a guest singer on all 3 of his cd's, and he's planning to record a 4th one, a professional EP this time. He asked me to co-write a song with him, and then record it. That sounded really good to me, so I said yes :)
If anyone's interested his site is linked in the post-title. Be sure to check it out!

you can listen to a few songs as well. I'm the co-singer in "sunset at sea" (Hell, I even played the saxophone in that one, even though it was broken...) I'll have to note that Etan's voice has gotten WAY better over the past year or so.

The next offer I got was from another good friend of mine. He's been busy writing songs with his band, and wanted backing vocals on some of the tracks for their upcoming cd. He didn't want to double his own voice, so he asked me if I wanted to help out. Ofcourse I want to help out! :P
The band is called Earth Pulse (unless they changed their name again XD), and I don't think they have a website. I'll let you know how things progress.

For now I'll be busy as hell practicing for fucking fiës 3, on june 24. Rehearsals next sunday.

And if that's not enough, I'm still writing new material, so that I can FINALLY record my own cd, which I have been planning for over a year now. Well, lets just hope that the longer it takes, the better it gets ;-)

About the gig we had in Venray, with Echo's Hill, it was a lot of fun :)
Still decided not to play there again, we got 20 euros for playing for 1 hour, the organisation was beyond terrible, and the sound was worse. I won't go into it in detail, but it sure annoyed the crap out of all of us. The funniest moment of that evening occurred when a couple of drunk guys started to misbehave and act extremely childish in front of the stage while we were playing. That was not the funny part though, but when Etan's dad (really small guy) literally kicked them out, telling them to piss off, I laughed my ass off!!! XD
He told me after the show that his foot was still hurting, Lol!

Well, I guess that covers most of the recent happenings. Right now I'm going to sleep, I'm tired as hell!

Start countdown!

2006-05-08T08:41:00.000+02:00

Marino and I went to visit Muis and the kittens yesterday. I had never met the woman who's keeping them, but I disliked her before even meeting her. I have to admit she turned out to be a nice person, not smart, maybe not even sincere, but she took excellent care of the cats, and Muis and her four kids looked abolutely radiant with good health. Quite a relief, really! Furthermore, she invited me to come and visit the cats whenever I wanted, since she was at home all day. I get cautious when someone tells me something like that, because before you know it they'll want to be best friends, and I don't need that. But she confirmed that one of the kittens was going to be ours, and that's all I wanted to hear directly from her. The kittens had just opened their eyes yesterday, and they were absolutely adorable :)

It is still too early to try and judge their personalities, but I've certainly found the dominant one. He's the only red cat in the nest, his three brothers are all black. But he's by far the biggest and the bossiest. He's not coming with us, because someone else wanted him. And I'd have to say that I wouldn't have wanted him, because he's too dominant already... One kitten I liked particularly, he was not completely black, but had little white hairs on his paws, which made him look grey, in a funny kind of way. He was remarkable because of the way he looked, but I'd have to come back and visit more often, when they've grown a bit, to see what his personality turns out like, and whether he likes us as well. That's really important.

Stupid thing is, we both forgot to take pictures, but that would have been difficult anyway, since the kittens were sitting in a black soft cat bed. They would have been invisible in the picture...

But next time I'll try :)

Why did I hate people again?

2006-05-01T13:52:00.000+02:00

Right, this does it!

I just had a call from the "Katimo" woman, whose name is Denise, and she told me they had a bit of a situation on their hands. The woman who keeps Muis for the time being had called her this morning, and told her that Muis gave birth to 4 kittens last fridaynight. That's right, last friday, when she was supposed to call immediately!

Now she called because she thought Muis was ill, but she already made an appointment with the vet. When Denise asked her when the kittens could be collected, the woman said that she was going to keep the kittens, and, if I understood correctly, Muis as well. She had already promised her two sisters, and someone else that they could have a kitten, and she was not going to part with them. The deal was that the kittens would be placed in a foster-home after birth, and taken away after 5 weeks. Then the Muis would stay there for another week, and then get spayed and released again. So right now it seems that none of this is going to happen, and I'd have to be really lucky to get a kitten after all, when I was supposed to have the first choice! You never know what will happen in the first 5 to 8 weeks, kittens may easily die, especially when the mother is ill. So Denise is going to call a colleague who has had these kind of situations before, and then she is coming over to my place, and we are to visit this woman together, and see what, if anything, can be arranged...

I just feel really bad right now, I was not ready for taking in a cat, but I just wanted to have one of Muis' kittens, because it would be a one-chance-thing... If Marino and I don't get this one, we'll probably wait until we move in together, and get a bigger house... But then we'll never have a kitten that Muis birthed...

But that's all pretty much still unknown right now, one thing I do know for sure is that this is yet another confirmation on my mistrusting people... Getting good, this one. If I could grow a beard I'd become a hermit right now. *suddenly understands what's going on with Status-Seeker*

Good thing I still have my shitty sense of humor.

EDIT:

Denise went to see the woman yesterday, and I invited her and her boyfriend over for coffee afterwards, to hear what the plan was, because I didn't go with them... Turns out they had managed to talk the woman into handing over the responsibility over the kittens and Muis to Katimo, and they made her sign a contract as well, so that if anything goes wrong, they can take the cats away from her. This was truly good news to me :D

Furthermore, Muis seemed to be in very good health, except for a minor throat-infection that was already getting better. Denise said Muis was an excellent mother, and she and the kittens couldn't have been in better shape. The woman had already bought all kinds of cat toys and stuff, and she gave Muis only really expensive food (she'll just LOVE that :P)
But she still wants to keep Muis, and one of the kittens. Her sister in law, and a cousin also want a kitten, so that would leave one kitten for us. Everybody who wants one will have to pay 65 euros, but their kitten will be chipped, vaccinated, they will get flea- and worm treatment, and you get a contract from Katimo, that you need to take your cat to the veterinarian after some 6 months, to get him neutered. And that's all included in the 65 euros, so if anyone thinks that's not reasonable, they don't deserve a kitten.

So for now, Denise is going to check on the kittens and Muis every week, and see how things go. If the woman messes up, they will be taken away. She even wanted to provide a foster-family for future stray-cats or kittens, but Katimo is not too sure on that yet. Funny thing too, when at first she said her husband didn't allow any cats in the house, so she kept them in the shed, and now she wants TWO, one of which is a stray-cat, not used to living inside at all! Not only does the woman know nothing about cats (and I mean NOTHING!!!), she doesn't seem to know much at all. She never went to school, and I doubt she understood what she signed when she put her autograph on the contract... But she did sign, so what the hell, right? For now, the kittens will stay with her until 9 weeks, she's home the entire day, so they will get a lot of attention, and when we do get a kitten (if all goes well) he will definitely be used to being picked up all the time :P

There are four kittens, all males, three black, and one red tabby. The red one is already "reserved", so we'll probably get a black one. Which is just what we wanted, but I really need to see what their personality is, rather than their colour... I'm not keeping my hopes up too high, because anything can happen in this stage, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed...

And now for something completely different...

2006-04-25T19:23:00.000+02:00

Extra, extra, read all about it,
Marino has ventured into blogspot as well! :D

If you want details, just check it out (give the guy a peptalk or something, will ya? Heaven knows he needs one right now...)

And here it is;

http://monedula.blogspot.com

So, sweetheart.. Welcome to the evil that is blogger :P

Gigs Galore

2006-04-16T23:16:00.000+02:00

One less thing to worry about still...

Today I had a gig with a friend of mine, whom I've been making music with for several years now. He has a band, and their singer was abroad (a broad ^^,) this week. So I'd been asked to replace her today. Everything went alright, considering the shitty circumstances.

First of all the bassplayer got somewhat kicked out of the band last week, so we had to play withhout him. That and the fact that the singer is also a violinist, and has a few violin-solos in several songs, which could not be done at this time. Then, to make matters worse, the guitartist's amplifier broke down, and only worked half of the time... That was bad.

Worst of all (for me anyway), halfway through one of the songs, I forgot the lyrics, and I blacked out.. Luckily I lost only one sentence, and I picked it up again the next. But still.. Bad thing to do. I guess I got nervous because of all the shittyness, especially the amplifier problems.

We still got good feedback afterwards, and a free beer, which, for me, was the best part of the day! The venue itself was really nice, and the sound was a lot better than I had expected. Not a large crowd, but I've never cared much for people, so to hell with them :P

Next gig will be the 29th, and it will be my own songs I sing, so I hope everyone will show up on that day :)

Right now, I'm just tired, and I need to get up early tomorrow morning, because Marino and I are visiting Marino's parents. So...

So... Sleepytime!

Muis - The story continues...

2006-04-13T08:48:00.000+02:00

Time for a little feline update

For the past few weeks, Muis has become bigger and bigger, and Marino and I wondered whether she was pregnant, or just starting to look like us... ;-)

Last week we decided she's either pregnant, or somethings terribly wrong with her (she seems happy enough). Either way, it was time to do something!
So yesterday we called the Dutch "SPCA" (animal protection and care and stuff like that) and asked what would be the best course of action here... Last night we got a phone call from a woman who takes care of stray-cats, and she will be here today, to see whether she is pregnant, and how far she is, and what kind of personality she has.

She will then be collected by someone, and be placed in a guest-home. There she will have her kittens, and after 5 weeks the kittens will be taken away. Then Muis will be "helped" and brought back here, because she seems to be doing alright around here, and a lot of people know and like her.

Thank God for organizations like this, really! Otherwise, we would get so many stray-kittens around here, it would soon turn into a cat-infestation. That can never be good.

Best part maybe, is that I'm seriously considering adopting one of Muis' kittens. I've always wanted a cat, and especially one that Muis birthed. For sentimental reasons, naturally...
My main concern is that I have two cockatiels, and I definitely DON'T want them to be eaten. So I'll keep in touch with these people, and see what the kittens turn out like, and maybe there is a really good-natured one that I can keep. It all depends on Muis now, haha!
The woman I spoke to on the phone yesterday said she also had a bird, and cats, and she had only one cat, ever, that tried to go after the bird... It's still a risk, but I was planning to buy the birds a new, and better cage anyway, so we'll see what can be done.

By the way, the probable father of these kittens is also black, so I wonder what the kittens would turn out like :D

First, we'll have to find out whether she's pregnant, or just worm-infested. I'm NOT adopting worms! XD

I'll keep you updated!

Music

2006-03-31T23:11:00.000+02:00

There's a Dutch holiday, called "Queen's day". It has absolutely NOTHING to do with gay-parades and the likes, but it used to be the celebration of our queen's birthday. Now it is the celebration of the late queen-mum's birthday, but it is still celebrated, because it's a tradition, and Dutch people generally don't like changes (except on payday...)

This day is on the 30th of april, and it has turned in to a huge holiday, with parties and festivals and stuff.

Yesterday I got a call from a woman I know, who owns a pub in a town some 30 kilometers from where I live. Every year on queen's day she organizes a festival, and invites local bands to play. I have been invited for 3 years in a row, though I'm neither a band, nor am I IN one :P
Two years ago I rounded up a band, and we got one month time to rehearse. The gig went really good, and we got a lot of positive feedback.
Last year I couldn't find the musicians to form a band, so I went "solo" (Scared me to death, sitting up there alone on a stage with just my guitar and a microphone... I swore to never do that again, I was soooo nervous!!!) But the show was a grande succes, I got a lot of positive feedback once again. :) You wouldnt believe how many drunk women I had hanging around my neck, saying I had such a magnificent voice, and asking me all kinds of funny questions. That's right, WOMEN! No sexual implications, nothing lesbian and stuff, but still... Human behaviour... Beats the hell out of me. Maybe I'm missing something about this whole queen's day-deal after all...

So this woman called me, and asked me if I wanted to sing again this year, and I said I'd be delighted. Next thing, I called my brother, and asked if he and the band he's in would like to accompany me, and they also said yes, haha! We were already practising together for a gig somewhere in June, but this gives us quite an amount of additional stress, because we've only one month to rehearse. Still, we're going for it!

I'd like everyone who has the time, and the means to get there, to come and watch (and listen ofcourse) on queen's day :D More info can be found on the website of my brother's band. That would be http://www.echoshill.net/. The link is to your right.

Hope to see you there! :D

Pwnage

2006-03-14T21:52:00.000+01:00

*no comment*

Random posting...

2006-03-06T19:27:00.000+01:00

I don't really know what to write at the moment... Life's going alright, still getting used to the new job, but I'm doing alright, and I still like it.

My brother turns 18 today, so that's a joyous occasion :D
Tomorrow is my mother's birthday, and wednesday is Marino's birthday (I know, it's a busy month, especially since two acquaintances of mine got a little baby daughter today, and tomorrow is also my cousin's birthday... we're running out of days!!!)

The other day, Marino and I got harassed by a group of 13 year old children (or somewhere around that age). We were on our way to get some fast-food, since I wasn't in the mood for cooking dinner. (I usually do cook, I like cooking, but I was tired)
These kids were standing outside at night, smoking cigarettes, and acting cool, for as far as 13-year-olds can be considered "cool"
They saw us, and appearantly thought it was funny that Marino and I are both rather...ehm...large... ;-)

Therefore they thought it necessary to yell "Hey Fatzo!" at us. So I thought it necessary to say something about it, since I'm not used to being addressed in such a manner by a bunch of kids (well, not since I was 14 or something) Ofcourse, as expected, this was fuel on the fire for the kids, and they got even more annoying, if that was even possible. I told them to get lost, and we walked in to the fast-food-restaurant. But the kids stood outside the window, shouting vulgarities at Marino and I (And by "vulgarities I really do mean "VULGARITIES"), and played with the door. The restaurant-owner looked very annoyed, and said that these kids were there every evening, annoying his customers, and he had a police rapport that said that those children weren't allowed inside his restaurant anymore.

I just wondered what the hell this world is coming to, and where the hell the parents of those kids were... And why the hell no one had tried to teach them some manners!

I mean, I surely hope this kind of behaviour from kids isn't considered normal nowadays. If I wanted children (which I don't) I would sure teach them how to properly behave themselves! Good thing I didn't like kids anyway :P

The first day

2006-03-01T20:28:00.000+01:00

It still feels strange. Not working for my old company anymore. Realizing you might not ever see some certain people again. Not being part of something you've been a part of for 4 and a half years... I'm not saying I want to go back, I made this decision, and I'm still 100% happy about it. I'm just saying it's strange.

Today was my first day at my new job. I liked it, though I had a lot of new stuff to get used to. One of the things I don't like so much is that my work involves "orderpicking", which is not what I was hired to do. I'm a driver. But it enables me to work 40 hours a week, instead of the promised 30, so I won't complain if this is the way it's going to be all the time. It's not even that bad, all I have to do is set aside my arrogance, and forget about being "too good" to do crappy work like this. It's work, I get paid better than I did at my old job, and I still get to drive most of the time, so it's not a big deal.

I suppose one of the problems for me is my pride, which doesn't make sense. Pride tends to not make sense, so there's nothing new... But when people would ask me what I do for a living, I know for sure that I'll NEVER mention it involves orderpicking.

The other problem, I guess, is that it's stupid work, there's no challenge to it, and it doesn't require someone intelligent to be doing what I do. But the same goes for my old job.

Weird, I was planning on writing a "Happy-post" because I am happy, I'm finally out of my financial distress, and I can finally sleep at night, without having to worry about paying the bills, I can finally go out, buy new things, and have fun! I am happy! And I'm not having any problems with my new job, I like it a lot, so far, all my colleagues are nice, and there isn't a whole lot of stress.

My problem is that I'm too concerned about what other people might think of me... I should stop doing that, because I never used to be like that... I'm the rebel, I'm the first to be kicking society's sore leg if I ever get the chance, and I generally don't give a shit. And I'm now wearing bright purple nailpolish to prove that to myself. It shouldn't even be necessary, right?

Damn this rant, It doesn't even make sense to me. I'm going to sleep, having a long day ahead of me.

I can't wait to get my first paycheck!!! :D :D :D

The last day...

2006-02-24T07:40:00.000+01:00

So today is the last day I'll be working as a taxi driver. (for those who didn't know, I drive mentally disabled people to their work/daycare, and back home again, it's a lot of fun!)
I've been with this company for over 4 years, and I'll be saying goodbye to everyone today.
Most of my passengers (the ones who can talk anyway) said they'll miss me, and that I was a lot of fun to be around, and that's really a great compliment to me.
The colleagues I see on a day-to-day basis all said they'll miss me as well, and the feeling is mutual for most of them, lol!

But I still feel good about leaving. I got a new job, I get paid more, plus I can work more, and I'm really looking forward to starting this new job (And getting my first paycheck, and not worrying about how the hell I'm gonna pay my bills anymore!)
I'll be starting work next wednesday. So I'm going to spend a long weekend with Marino first, since I've got no work monday and tuesday.

Tonight I'm gonna get a large tray of beer, get together with mum and dad, my brother and sisters, Marino, and whomever feels like showing up (as long as they stay away from my beer!!! LOL), and we're going to celebrate! (looking forward to that as well, heheheh)

So ehm....

You'll be hearing from me when I've started the new job, and I'll be complaining about stress and work-pressure even more, lol! I just hope I won't have a reason to be complaining about money anymore...

See ya! :D

Oops..

2006-02-16T15:03:00.000+01:00

Looks like I accidently disabled commenting, hihihi!

Sorry about that, it's fixed now, so...

*feels really stupid*

Flipbook

2006-02-16T12:27:00.000+01:00

I renewed my flipbook, the one on you right. It had been there for quite a while, and most of the pictures were terrible... So I made a new selection, added some stuff I hadn't posted before, I'm still not pretending to be a photographer, but let me know what you think.

Day by day

2006-02-07T20:56:00.000+01:00

I decided it was time for something visual. No sob-stories this time, but just some random pictures I made from my everyday life. Things that caught my attention, or just seemed cool to capture.

So here goes;

This is my cockatiel, 1 of the 2 I have and the funniest at that. You might recognize him from my profile image ;-) His name is Toontje (I didn't name him) and as you can see he plays the bluesharp really well, lol! At the time of the picture he was giving away a fantastic solo, but you'll have to take my word for it...

I was on my way home from spending the weekend at Marino's place. As I walked out the trainstation I saw this on the roundabout just outside the station. It was dark, and my phone-cam couldn't capture it any better. Looks a bit grainy now, but still really cool!

This was taken from the train, as I was on my way again to Marino. I was in a bad mood, because I had to travel via another trainstation, and the train company wasn't really working with me that day. At least I got this picture, just as the sun was breaking through the clouds. I thought it was pretty.

Here's my parents' parrot, Ringo. He's really cool, and probably my favourite pet ever! He talks all the time, if he isn't literally screaming for attention, that is. But he gets enough attention. And cookies. I taught him to say "Hello" whenever I wave my hand at him, pretty clever for a bird huh? [/proud]

Outside my parents' house. The sun was setting, but I never got the radiant colours on camera the way they were visible at the time. Still a pretty cool picture if you ask me.

It was freezing. And these leaves had developed a nice-looking pattern of ice around the edges.

This was just cool! Once again, it was dark, and my phone-cam just refuses to take good pictures if there's not enough light... I decided to post it anyway. I took this one in Venlo, where I live. My mother and I were on our way to the doctor, and mom noticed the pigeon first. Sitting in a hole in the wall, looking tired and cold. I kinda felt sad for the bugger, but hey, what could I do? So I took this picture of him.

Now this is a self-portrait! I kid you not, I am in this picture, but I am far from skinny, so don't think that skeleton's me :P
It's wearing my leather jacket though, go figure, haha!
He was standing in the doctor's office, I call him Jack, and make fun of him everytime I'm there. This time he just looked cold, so I borrowed him my jacket. (I know, I'm a fruitcake...)

On my way home from work. The trees were frozen, and I took this one while driving 80 km/h. Don't tell the police I did that!

Driving back from the trainstation. I just collected Marino, and I wanted to take a picture of that frozen fountain (this was a few days before I did manage to take the picture).
Problem was, I was on the roundabout, and traffic started to move, so I turned the camera away just after I clicked. Slow camera, I guess. But the result was cool anyway.

These last few pictures I made today. Last weekend, I bought a little light that changes colour. I thought it looked really cool, so I made some shots. Some of these were edited.

Said light.

Closeup

Another closeup

I messed a bit with this one

And I messed with this one too, think it looks neat!

After editing, I thought this one slightly resembled some kind of UFO. Could have made up a real scary story around this one... But I'm tired, so I didn't. lol!

So tell me what you think!
I don't pretend to be a photographer, but I like taking pictures of stuff I see, and then sharing it with other people.

If you want to see a good photographer at work, take a look at Dave's Pics. He's linked, just click it and off you go!

Edit;
Marino sent me this picture, he took it out of his window, and he threatened to break up with me if I didn't post this here... I think it sucks, but hey, what am I supposed to do?

XD :P
No, just kidding, I think it looks cool, so here it is!

Ghosts

2006-01-26T17:24:00.000+01:00

It seems now that my life so far is divided in two sections, or stages if you will.
The time when I made the stupid mistakes that still haunt me,
And the time since I started trying to get rid of these ghosts.

I’ve been saying this a lot in the past time, that I’ve only started enjoying my life a few years ago. Some two years maybe, probably since I’ve moved out of my parents’ house. Though that has little to do with it. Or maybe it has everything to do with it.
Before that time, I was not pleased with life. As a matter of fact, it never mattered much to me, life, death, whatever was going to be in it for me. As long as it wouldn’t hurt too much it was fine by me. Unfortunally for me, it did hurt. It kept on hurting, never backed out, or gave me a break. And my decisions didn’t help much, I have to admit…
Whenever I should have fought, I surrendered. I gave up. I let life walk all over me. I let people walk all over me. And then just hung my head and felt sorry for myself.

But I’m not going to be the eternal victim of everything, I refuse!
I fought back in the end, I won, and the rush it gave me still lingers. In spite of what it has cost me…
Still, there are a lot of ghosts that I must deal with. A lot of progress to be made. I feel like I’m finally on my way. Like I’m finally creating my own happiness. And instead of feeling unworthy, I’m finally starting to feel like I deserve being happy.

Still, given my past experiences, I’m still doubting whether or not I’m only creating new ghosts with the decisions I’m making now. I’ve proven to be a bad decision-maker. And only time will tell if I’ve learnt from past mistakes or not.

Lots of people make the same mistakes over and over again. It undermines your self-esteem. No matter how hard you want to trust others, it’s impossible when you can’t even trust yourself…

Kinda hard to get that out of your system…

Echo's Hill

2006-01-23T10:45:00.000+01:00

Alright!!!

It's finally online; the Echo's Hill website!

For all of you who don't know, Echo's Hill is a progressive rock band from the Netherlands. The band is now busy with the release of their first demo cd, and they're not well known or famous (yet).

But they're good! I believe the average age of the band members is 18 or 19 years old, and they are already very skilled musicians! If you're curious, and like progrock, take a look at the site, there are even some samples online, for you to listen to.

I will put the link to their site in my links section. The reason I'm doing this is because I genuinely think that this band is very good! It has nothing to do with the fact that my brother is the drummer, and my cousin is playing the guitar...
Well, almost nothing :P

Just check it out!

Right...

2006-01-17T17:50:00.001+01:00

Everybody occasionally gets one of these days when all they really want to do is find out how evil they really are, right?

Right?...

Anyway, I tried to find out by taking a test, and the outcome was of no real surprise to me. Note that I did answer all questions honestly, which probably reduces my vileness with a few points.
Anyway, here's the outcome, read it and weep!
(Oh, and when you see me walking down the street, you would be wise to get your children inside the house.)

How evil are you?

Might have something to do with the fact that I answered "Canada" whenever given the chance.

Having found out my true nature, the next logical step was to find out how to get the most out of my newfound evilness, so I googled around, and came up with a marvelous guide on how to be evil! This guide is already being followed by the world's greatest evil minds, not to mention the world's smallest evil minds, who just happened to have friends in high places. (Bush being the best example in this category)
Just click the post-title, and see for yourself. But you better realize I will not tolerate competition!

Suffice it to say that you have not seen the last of me!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!!!!

Friday the 13th, my lucky day!

2006-01-14T18:18:00.000+01:00

Hey everyone!

I am now going to entertain (read; bore) you with the story on how friday the 13th became my lucky day!

For all of you who didn't know; I've been working as a taxi driver for the same company for the last 4 years. Collecting mentally disabled people from their homes and bringing them to their workplaces. I've always loved this job, because of the interaction with my passengers, and they showed a lot of appreciation and gratitude over the past years, which can really make a job worth while. But I had a part-time contract, which was no problem for a while, but I moved out of my parents' house almost 2 years ago, and living on your own, having to pay the rent and stuff, while only working 20 hours per week... That just gets you nowhere.
I've been turning over every penny I had in the last two years, and could not afford things for myself... Just bills, bills, debts, and more bills.... It drove me insane, and I realized I would get in real trouble if I didn't find another job.

So I started looking out for something else, but not actively searching... Guess I didn't really want to give up the job I liked so well...
(Xcept that one job I applied for, that would require me to go and live in Dublin... Luckily I didn't get it, because I wouldn't have met Marino if I'd been living in Ireland...)

But after some time my job started to get boring. Some of my colleagues just weren't that nice anymore, and some of my more talkative (read; constantly yapping about nothing) passengers started to get a little annoying...
Which meant it was time for me to really move on.

So I went to an employment agency. (with some pressure from Marino, heh...)
And after a short while they came up with the perfect job for me. I was going to apply for a job as a courier for car-parts! It would be better paid, and I would work more hours per week.
I know it may not sound like much for a lot of you people out there, but I think this would be a great job for me!

I went to the first interview, in the employment agency itself. They were going to make a selection of people, and those people were actually going to have a job interview with the company itself, who would make the final selection.
The first interview went really well, and they told me I had a very good chance, so I waited for more news...

Then, after a short while I was invited for the next interview, which meant I had made it through the first selection. The last interview was last thursday. And I thought it went pretty well. I just didn't know how good the other contestants were. Everyone at home had been crossing their fingers, hoping I'd be okay...
Yesterday (friday the 13th) I got a call from the employment agency, telling me I got the job!
YAY ME!!!! :D

So now I have to go and tell my boss I'm quitting the job... After four years... Worse, I have to tell my colleagues (the ones that are still really nice) and my passengers... I guess I'll miss them, but right now, I'm just too damn happy about the new job! No more money trouble for me!!!

But.... (eerie laugh in background)

As you may or may not know, one cannot have a large amount of luck on friday the 13th, not without some sort of misfortune as well. You just don't get away with it!
So when I was done working, I parked the work-van, got on my bike and cycled to my parent's house, for a night of celebration. Well, attempted to cycle there... After 100 metres, my tire exploded...
Then again, I can't really call that bad luck either, because when I walked back and parked my bike, one of my colleagues just arrived. I used to pick him up for work when I still had my car, and he told me his daughter was on her way to collect him, and she would have no problem dropping me off at my parent's house. So I didn't have to cycle through the cold.
I will have to buy a new tire and repair my bike...
Luckily I have a spare bicycle, I just hope that won't break as well...

So that was the story of how friday the 13th turned out to be a lucky day for me!

[/wall 'o text]

Growing pains....

2006-01-05T12:58:00.000+01:00

Maturity;

A subject that came to my mind a few days ago. I mean, the definition of maturity. When is someone an adult? Because, I think maturity is often mistaken with bitterness, disappointment, disillusionment... The things that happen to you when you grow older, true. But is that maturity? To realize that people suck? That people will hurt you if you give them the chance? I mean, not all people, but everyone loses at least a part of their faith in mankind when they grow up. Which, to me, would not so much be maturity, but more the result of other people's lack of it. Am I mistaken here? Is it immature to trust in the goodness of people? Because I've been proven wrong more than once, and I've been hurt in many ways, some of them scarred me for life, I know that. And in fact, I am bitter because of that, and cynical. I don't like people, but I've never liked them. Probably because they started mistreating me at a very young age, I've been hurt by people for as far back as I can remember. Also by the people I should have been able to fall back on in times of need. They were simply not there to support me, on the contrary...

But the result of that is not maturity. Right?
So what IS maturity?
Self-awareness? Responsibility? Conscience? Because most children possess these traits. It's just that the adults often do not acknowledge that. Most adults I know are arrogant or bitter. Or both. I believe the worst thing that can happen to someone is that they start thinking that, since they are now mature, they don't have to learn anymore. And a lot of adults won't take anything from younger people, because they are younger, and thus, could never be able to teach them anything. That just can't be maturity, so much as ignorance and stupidity.
Some people think they are full-grown when they have children of their own, and deny the many lessons their children could provide them with if they had been listened to. Besides, having children, by itself is not a guarantee for maturity!

For me, maturity includes the will to be a child, to enjoy what’s coming to you when it’s coming to you, and to take full responsibility yet also credit for your actions. Is being naïve a sign of immaturity? Or having a lively imagination? Being a child at heart maybe?

Because if that is so, I’ll stop considering myself an adult today.

HAPPY NEWYEAR!

2006-01-01T00:21:00.000+01:00

Happy newyear everyone, best wishes from Marino also!
I know, I'm a loser, and still behind my PC at 12.21, but at least I'm steaming drunk, and Marino and I am now going to walk outside and stuff (which is for losers, but still....)

I will probably post something serious at a later (more sober perhaps?) time.

For now, make the best of this year, and the very best wishes to all of you!

(I'm off now, Marino decided it would be a good idea to get me outside by pulling my ears)

OUCH!

Bye

Railway Reflections part II

2005-12-29T20:26:00.000+01:00

I've been meaning to write this entry since last week, when I first heard the story, but I've only now found the time to actually do so...

I heard this story from my mother, who heard it from two of my aunts, who got it from their acquaintance, whom this actually happened to... I know it sounds like another urban legend, and I have no proof of this story, but it appears to be true nonetheless.... It gave me goosebumps when I heard it, and I think it's a terrible thing to happen, so that's why I decided to share it with you.

This acquaintance, let's give her a name, shall we? How about.... Mary. That's neutral enough I guess.

She was in the train to Venlo (Netherlands, where I live), and she was sharing her compartiment with a large African family. When the train reached Helmond the family had to get off, which took a considerably long time, because the family was so large. Once the train started moving again, Mary saw to her surprise that the eldest of the African children had been left in the train. She was only eleven years old, and she didn't know what to do, so Mary told her to sit with her until they reached the next trainstation. But approximately 1 kilometer before the station, the train had to stop, to let an approaching intercity pass. The girl however, thought they reached the next station, and walked towards the doors. Mary said she heard the girl screaming out in panic from the hallway, before she came running back, shouting; "My brother! My brother!"
So she got up to see what was going on, and saw a little black boy, outside the train, with his fingers between the door. He had been on the outside of the train since they had left the previous railwaystation, and Mary said she had never seen such big, scared eyes in her life. They called the conductor, but he coudn't open the door unless they'd be on a trainstation. So they rounded up some guys, and together they managed to open up the doors and pull the little boy inside. He was just inside the train when the intercity they were waiting for came speeding by... ten seconds later and the boy would have been crushed to his death by the intercity coming from the opposite direction.

As if that wasn't dramatic enough, the conductor told the two kids, age 11 and 6, to get off the train on the next station, and call their mother from there, to come and collect them. Mary was infuriated upon hearing this, and she told him what a disgrace it would have been to leave two children alone, even if nothing had happened, and she decided to get off the train as well, and accompany the kids until they had been reunited with their family.

when the mother of the children showed up, it turned out that she had noticed in Helmond that her daughter had been left in the train, and when she turned around to look, she had seen her little boy dangling from the side of the train, just when it took off... She had warned a conductor who was on his way to work, and told him, in panic ofcourse, what happened, and he told her; "No madam, that's impossible." and walked on.

So appearantly this is the way they treat people at the NS (Duch railway company)
And I think it is a big, bad, disgrace, and don't understand how anyone could have done something like this. But this is the way it happened. I just hope someone tells this family to get a lawsuit against NS, but I'm sure they won't.

I'm sure the NS is sure they won't...

White wine and sad films

2005-12-21T23:57:00.000+01:00

Better than "red wine and sleeping pills" (phrase from a Radiohead song)

I've just been watching "The English Patient" An absolute gem of a movie, IMHO. Although I've seen it some 5 times (so that makes it 6 now) it still makes me cry everytime. I know, quite a confession, coming from me, right? It is...

I don't know, the story is beautiful, and it really is told in a magnificent way. the movie won a lot of Oscars if I remember correctly, and not because of fantastic special effects or an extremely high budget or a cast that is "hot" and stuff... It's because of the beautiful story, the brilliant actors and the way the storyline carries you away. There's not much more to it. No special effects or stuff like that... Just the story.

There are lessons, and also beauty to be found in most anything, all you have to do is open your eyes, and you'll find them.

Reminds me that I'm not to take anything for granted, as I tend to do a little too often. Like all things in life, everything comes with a price, and you must ask yourself if you're willing to pay it. So I ask myself, am I?

Yes...

Yes, absolutely.

;-)

September in Seattle (Railway Reflections)

2005-12-17T16:32:00.000+01:00

An empty, ugly trainstation...
I am stranded here, it seems.

There's nothing good about this place. You always hear those lovesongs about people stranding on trainstations, on their way to the ones they love...
Well, here I am
On a cold december day
On my way to my love
Stuck...

I'll have to wait for another half hour for my train. The one I just missed. The next one.
My mood wasn't any good to start with, but now I've hit rock bottom. Having to wait in this dumphole, instead of being on my way to Marino. Right now that just seems too much to bear.

And I thought I just found a quiet place to sit down and write, out of the wind, in from the cold. But my peace is now being brutally disturbed by two railroad-working guys, appearantly on a break.
And they have no conversation-material whatsoever, yet still refuse to shut up. Funny, observing human behavior. Conversation ran dry, so now there's an awkward silence, only broken by the nervous drumming on a chair (really bad drumming!) from one of the guys, and the extremely loud yawns of the other.

There's nothing poetic about this - nothing romantic- It just sucks.
It's cold and smelly and annoyingly tedious, and I'm starting to wonder how songwriters manage to take a situation like this and make a romantic song about it. I guess I might have given it a shot if I had been in the posession of either a bottle of whisky, a joint, or my very last cigarette... Well, I don't drink whisky, I don't smoke weed... I don't smoke at all... I'm no Shawn Mullins after all...
And I don't suppose there's any romance to be found in being annoyed because I have to wait half an hour longer before I finally get to the one I love...
Funny how half an hour is 7 days when you miss someone.

Just get me out of here...

Bloodhound Gang

2005-12-14T15:05:00.000+01:00

Alright, so now I'm finally posting the so long-awaited (yeah right) update on the Bloodhound Gang-concert Marino and I attended almost a month ago, hihihi...

It all started by me rushing off from work to catch the train to Eindhoven, where I would meet up with Marino. Once I got there, Marino wasn't there yet, so I waited in a bookstore in the trainstation. Just when I found the latest release of Robert Jordan's "Wheel of Time"-series (A must-read to all fantasy-lovers out there!) Marino showed up. He told me his sister and her boyfriend were on their way. It would be my first encounter with my in-laws, suffice to say I was slightly nervous about it all. Luckily, when they arrived, and we officially met, they turned out to be very nice! (I kinda already spoiled that surprise in one of my previous posts, didn't I?)

We got on the bus to Marino's apartment, dropped our luggage and got back on the bus.
Then we went for a quick bite at the local McDonalds (one of the approximately 346 to be found in Eindhoven), and off to the Effenaar. Well... That was the plan anyway... About a 150 meters before the entrance we saw a huge crowd of people, all neatly lined up, apparently all headed for the main entrance of the Effenaar... So the waiting began... After what seemed to be an eternity, we finally got to the entrance, showed our tickets, and we were on our merry way.. No wait, someone had to check my bag first, and then we waited another 10 minutes before the wardrobe...
And we were on our merry way!

Upon entering the main hall, we set out to find a good spot, and found it at the right foremost corner of the stage. There we waited for the support act to begin.
And it began.
And we were all going; "OMGWTFBBQ!?!?!?"
Words cannot describe what we encountered right then and there, but I'll still give it a try. The support act consisted of 3 tiny Japanese guys who called themselves the "Electric Eel Shock"
Well, hilarious doesn't quite cover it, but it got worse when we found out that these guys are BIG all over the world!

So these guys got on stage, and started to play.. The drummer dropped his pants and eventually took all of his clothes off, revealing to the public that he was wearing a GIANT sock. And it wasn't on his foot. Now I know that it's a huge cliche to be doing that kind of shit, but I have to admit it added a certain "feel" to the show. A very uneasy one, but still...
The bass player was standing right in front of us, and each time he started to "sing" he showered the crowd with saliva. Something he couldn't help, I'm sure, but I was glad we were standing at a convenient distance nonetheless!
Electric Eel Shock played a few songs, called all of us "Bastards", did all the classic cliche rock 'n roll stuff, only with a hilariously funny Japanese accent (Oh, Herro! XD)

And finally Rock 'n Rolled off the stage.

Then we waited some more. By this time, people were starting to push forward from the back, to get a better place. Well... We were standing there, so we pushed them right back! I don't go to concerts that often, and I'm not all that familiar with concert-etiquette, but I was glad Marino was there to kick some annoying pushing adolescents' asses!
After a while the curtains re-opened, and the Bloodhound Gang got on stage!
And there was much rejoicing.

They started to play, while once again, the bass player was standing right in front of us. I thought then that he was kinda scary. If only I had known how right I would be...

The first few songs were played in a relatively harmless way. Jimmy Pop (The singer) made some funny jokes, ripped off the bass-player's shirt, everyone had a good laugh, and they played some more.

After a while Jimmy asked if there would be anyone matching the profile he described as being a "Fat Dutch guy" who would want to get on the bar and get totally naked, and he'd get 25 Euro's.
No-one did. He offered the bass-player 25 Euro's to do the same thing. He wouldn't.
So they played :P

Ofcourse, like in any good concert, there were people stage-diving, and having a lot of fun at that. Then there were morons trying to stage-dive knees-first into the crowd, thus splitting their kneecaps due to the fact that everyone jumped to their safety when they saw them approaching. (I'm telling you, he landed right behind me, and I definitely heard something snap, lol!)

Meanwhile, Jimmy Pop was being spit in the face repeatedly by the bass-player, and I kinda got worried about him spitting into the crowd next, so I backed off a little. Instead, he started making out with some girl standing in front of us, and she eventually got a backstage-pass from one of the roadies.

At some time during the concert, I felt something burn my arm, so I jumped up and look behind me to discover some chick with a cigarette burning my brand new blouse! She was very apologetic, and luckily the blouse survived, but she insisted on buying me a free beer, I couldn't say no to that, laws of courtesy and all ;-)
After 2 minutes she actually showed up with a glass of beer, and gave it to me, oh happy day!

So I turned back to enjoy the concert once more.
But after a while the band grew tired of people crawling up on stage and disturbing the show, so they gave their roadie the order to give the next person to get on stage an "Atomic Wedgie" and then kick him off again. And thus it was done.
Next guy got on stage, roadie grabbed him, pulled his underpants over his head (I didn't even know it could be done!) and kicked him off the stage again.
Then, as always with things like free beer and atomic wedgies, everyone wanted one, and there was a real race going on as to who would be the next to get on the stage. We saw many atomic wedgies that night, I tell you!

Next, the bass-player had another great idea, he wanted a beer, but changed his mind when he heard there was no Heineken. So the roadie showed up with a bottle of Jaegermeister and a funnel, and poured it down the bass-player's throat!
Finally, Jimmy found a volunteer to get naked on the bar, for those 25 Euros. And up came some blonde fat ugly dude with a "Leningrad Cowboys"-type of hairdo (Which would be best described as a HairDON'T), and started to undress. Luckily for all of us he chickened out when he was supposed to take off his pants, and the offer was still open.
Then, when Jimmy Pop asked the bass player if he would get naked and climb on the bar for, say, 30 Euro's, he decided for some reason that it was indeed a good plan.
So he went backstage, took all of his clothes of, walked up to the bar, climbed on top, and continued playing from there (Meaning he was still wearing his Bass Guitar)
Anyway, that got boring after some 5 minutes, so he put his clothes back on and got on stage again.
He then decided to tell us how disgusting Dutch food is, and concluded with his opinion, that the worst Dutch food was found in a restaurant called McDonalds.
After sharing that with us (we were all laughing ofcourse, but not for long) he decided to demonstrate to us just how disgusting he found the food, and puked out everything he had in his stomach, thus spilling a whole bottle of jaegermeister and more on the stage.

As if that wasn't enough, he walked over to Jimmy, and barfed all over him as well. Jimmy responded by saying if he were to do something, he would have to do it right, and barf all over Jimmy's ass. And thus it was done. Needless to say I found all of this extremely disgusting (yet intriguing at the same time)
After barfing all over his ass, he took Jimmy's hat, puked in it, and put it back on his head again. More grosse!

Well, the concert was nearly over by then anyway, so they played one or two more songs and got off stage.

We cried for encores

they got back on stage wearing helmets with drums and cymbals on it, sat down, and play their last song (This one I remember, it was called "You're pretty when I'm drunk")

As a final stunt, the drummer from the Electric Eel Shock got back on stage with the guys, wearing his sock, and a helmet with another sock on it.

And then the show was really over...

Well, I was feeling awkward, and I still am, when I think about this concert. It was funny though, in a strange kind of way... I can say I don't regret going there however, because these guys know how to keep their audience entertained!

Bottom line; Bloodhound Gang r0x0rz!
If you get the chance to see them sometime, and you have a strong stomach, go and check them out!

Note from author; Click the topic-title for a nice surprise :D Your homework will be to download as many mp3's as you can and at least one video, and sit them out until the very end!

Sweet Freedom!

2005-12-12T07:42:00.000+01:00

At last!

My work is done for the rest of the year, now I can sit back and relax, and do whatever I like :D

Still got up at 6 am this morning, but that was because I had to see Marino to the bus-stop, because he still has to work for 2 more weeks, the poor thing...
So I guess I'm going back to my bed now, get some serious sleep and stuff.

By the way, I was ill last friday, fever and stuff... Probably something I ate... But luckily Marino was there to look after me, and now I feel much better, though not completely recovered I'm afraid... [/self pity]

Anyway, now that I have nothing better to do (as if...) I'll probably be updating some more, so don't give up on me just yet, alright? ;-)

Back to my cot, see you all around!

New Link!

2005-12-04T18:36:00.000+01:00

Hi all, I'm writing this here post from Marino's apartment. He's making me dinner (tee hee :P), so I'm kinda bored. So I just decided to update my blog a little, and finally add a link to my younger sister's new blog.
For a newbie in blog-world, I think she's doing a really good job :)
She's very funny, and in my opinion, she knows to express that sense of humour of hers very well in the written word. Something I would not have really expected from her, since she never cared much about reading and stuff since we were kids... I'm positively surprised here! :D

This blog is all in Dutch by the way, so If you don't speak Dutch, there's no real use for you in reading this. Ofcourse, you can give it a try, or get it translated or something. Plenty possibilities there, lol!

There's been some upheaval in the family in the past week, But since there's a post on that on both my sister's AND my brother's blog (status-seeker.com), I'm not going to bother you with yet another story on it. If you care to know, read either abovementioned blog, and find out ;-)

The rest is kinda going swell and all. I have no complaints until now, everythings going really well between Marino and me, and that's something I'm extremely happy about :D

Nothing more to say, really. I'll be working the next week, and from then until newyear, I'll be free! So that means I will finally have time to update this blog decently, and write the Bloodhound Gang-concert update, which is really cool :D (If you're into filthy stuff and all, we're talking about the fucking Bloodhound Gang here man! XD)

Well, I guess dinner's about ready, so I'll conclude this post with the words;

NNNNNNNNI PENG, NNNNNUUUUU WONG!!!!!!!

XD

Weekend update!

2005-11-21T20:31:00.000+01:00

It’s been somewhat of a busy weekend for me… Lots of new impressions, and stuff to get used to…

I’ll give you a short explanation of what I’ve been up to during the weekend before I smack you with another wall of text on the concert (cause that’s what it will be eventually I’m afraid…)
Let me first state that the past weekend has been a good one in every way!

Thursday night, after work, I got on the train to Eindhoven, to visit Marino (my boyfriend, as you would know by now) We were going to a Bloodhound Gang- concert, which turned out to be totally awesome! (pictures galore! :D)
Marino’s sister Maaike and her boyfriend Jesse were also coming along, and it was my first encounter with my family in-law. Luckily I came to find they are all very kind people! :D

Friday morning Marino’s mother came to Eindhoven by car, to collect all of us, and bring us to Voerendaal, where she and her husband live. I liked her immediately, and we chatted away while driving there. Marino showed me Voerendaal on Friday, and I got to hear all of his childhood-stories, which kept us busy for most of the day, lol! We went to sleep quite early because we were going to Valkenburg the next morning, together with Maaike and Jesse.

On Saturday we got on the bus to Valkenburg. There are sandstone-caverns there, where people used to (and still do until this day) mine for sandstone (which is used for building) There are also the remains of a large castle, which is very beautiful. So we went to see the remains of that castle at first. I have to say it was absolutely gorgeous, and though ruined, I could still imagine what life must have been during the time the castle was still standing, and how it must have looked during battle. I was really impressed, and made some pictures I will share with you .

After that we went to the caverns, but there was a Christmas-market in there. We decided we’d go and see it anyway. Too bad we didn’t get to see the caves in their original, beautiful state, because of all the Christmas decorations, but I have to say this was really nice as well. We had hardly entered the cave, which was crowded with people, when we saw two security guys with flashlights, looking at the ceiling. Turned out there were bats sleeping in some holes in that ceiling, lol! The security men allowed me to make a picture of the bats, after I promised them not to use a flashlight, because that would wake them up, and then there’d be chaos and panic all around (I really had to contain myself there, because that would have been a total ROFL-event for me, hihihi)

After visiting the market we went back to Marino’s parents’ house (I slept there for 2 nights, which was pretty scary, because I had never met them before…)
We sat in the living room, and I talked some more with “Mum” and Maaike. Well.. I enjoyed it, I hope they did too… ;-)

On Sunday we went back to Eindhoven. I said goodbye to Marino’s father, since he was the only one who was not coming along. (the car was extremely crowded anyway, so one else would have fitted in there, lol!)

I spent the night at Marino’s place, and got up really early this morning (4.45) to catch my train and go to work.

All in all, it was a very cool weekend! I do have a lot to think about now, however, I mean… all of this is still going at a considerable rate, and I’m really trying to keep up here… Well, Marino feels the same, undoubtedly, about meeting my family and friends.
I’m just glad we all get along!

I’d post the complete report on the Bloodhound-gang-concert, but considering the fact that I woke up really early this morning, and that 3 cans of Red Bull didn’t even suffice to keep me concentrated during work, I’m going to sleep after having posted this.
Plenty for you to read as it is, if you ask me ;-)

I hope there are still people reading my little blog here, since I have not been doing a lot of updating in the past few months… I’m still alive and kicking, and I’m sure that, when I eventually recover my pace of life, and manage to get everything into place, I’ll be doing more poetry and songwriting as well… It’s just really hectic right now… Still enjoying the ride though, which is more than I expected. I consider it a very pleasant surprise!
Just realized that I still consider it a surprise, haha!

I’ll see you all around, and I’ll be visiting your blogs frequently!

Bye!

Skavenger

Lovestruck, the story;

2005-11-03T20:30:00.000+01:00

Well... I guess I owe it to you guys to share with you my dirty little secret (no, Kai, this is n0t pr0n!!! lol!)

So here's the story:
On october the 2nd, this year, I was contacted by someone, who thought I was a nice person, and who thought we would make good friends. (Alright, so I subscribed to a dating site!!! Damned!!! If I had known they were so dangerous I would have contained my curiosity!)

We started chatting that evening, and we had a great time. It got pretty late, too... The next week, we chatted every evening, and e-mailed during the day. I forgot to eat.. I forgot to sleep... One day we chatted for 6 hours in a row... Next day they were 9 hours... On friday we talked until 5 a.m. Which was kind of inconvenient for him, because on saturday, he was going away to the zoo with a friend. We exchanged text-messages all day, because we missed each other. (and to verify that both of us were still awake, lol!) That evening, we talked online, and he confessed to me that he was falling in love with me, even though he had never seen me... And I felt the same, though I was afraid to admit it...

So I asked him if he would meet me, and within 5 minutes, we had planned a date for that next tuesday. (the 11th)
I was going to meet him on the train station, since he travelled by train. At first, I was a bit nervous, thinking; "Maybe I don't like him, when I finally see him"
Turned out, he worried about not liking me after all, too, lol!
So the train stopped, and I waited. And there he was... Without even saying a word, I knew I liked him more than a lot! All my worries just faded there...

We went to a restaurant, and after that we were supposed to go and see a movie. We had a lot of fun talking during dinner, and eventually, we turned up late for the film, and they had cancelled it, since we were apparently the only ones going to see it (heh... that really wás a coincidence)

Well, that was kind of a problem, because I had no idea on what we could do instead. He had never seen my home-town though (not that he would have missed much)
So we walked, and I gave him a little tour through the town. Well.. we ended up in the park... And there were violins, and sparks, and... well... you know, all the mushy-in-love-stuff, hahaha.

I'm not really good in admitting this kind of stuff.. Well, not to the world anyway... But I'm in love. Very much so, as it seems...
And this time, I didn't panic (much, lol!) I'm just enjoying the happiness. I'm really not used to this kind of thing anymore. To have someone around who is actually considerate of my feelings, and who makes me feel loved. Someone who can accept my love as well. Weird, but very nice :)

Since then, we've been seeing each other regularly, and we've missed each other even more. We had 6 hour phone-calls. We had endless email conversations. I introduced him to my sisters and brother, and some other family members and friends, and everyone got along really well.
He has also been spamming some of my family's blogs and forums, so most of you probably know who I'm talking about. You know him by the name of Marino :-)

I'm really happy to have found someone like him (and I'm not writing this because he is going to read it, heheheh)

So now you know why I've been so... absent... lately, hihihihi...

~And they lived happily ever after~

Reflections

2005-11-02T11:19:00.000+01:00

Heya :)

I'm still around, in case anyone was wondering. I've been wanting to give you a full update on the past month, but I still seem to lack the time, inspiration and energy to get everything typed down. (I feel some kind of illness creeping up on me, and I'm just plain tired, mostly...)

Maybe I just haven't updated because I'm still trying to give everything a place, or even put all the events in chronological order without getting the idea that all of that couldn't happen in just one month ;-)

I don't know... I'll probably be having some time for myself this week, so I might pick up the writing thing again, as I really haven't had a chance for that lately. I started writing a new song as well, though I'm not sure if it'll turn out to be good enough to share it with anyone. At least I'm doing something again, right? ^^,

Just to let you know I'm still planning on a full update (just in case someone would care...)

Untill then, don't do anything I wouldn't do!
(this means; all rules have been suspended!!!!! w00t!!!!!!!!)

Jesus is Hitler?

2005-10-28T07:48:00.000+02:00

Just check it out (links have been added)

And ehm... I hope you have a sense of humour :-P

edit;

I knew this site from seeing it some time ago. After some time, it had been removed, or so it seemed.
So I told my boyfriend (yes, Marino, that would be you :P) about it, he decided to use his 1337 google-skills, and came up with the site I thought had been lost! YAY MARINO!!!! *cheering*

(enough credit for ya?) XD

Then I used my 1337 coding-skills to provide you with a lovely button to click on!
Clickety!
(I needed some credit as well, heh)

I just posted it this morning, before work, and I didn't have time to write a great big story, so here it is. :)

Just check the site, don't take it to seriously, and feel free to pity the fools that DO take it seriously. The angry mails are probably the best thing on the site, lol! (I love the site, but I'm considering to send an angry mail anyway, just for the phun of it, hihihi)

Righto, enough with the ranting already. I'm going to collapse. Not feeling very well...

See ya!

The Window-story

2005-10-24T20:42:00.000+02:00

Alright, this is something absolutely freaky, a short story, but it freaked me out nonetheless.

Here's what happened;

Yesterday there was a thunderstorm passing over my house. I like to watch thunderstorms, and so, I opened the bedroom window to look outside, smell the rain, watch the lightning and hear the thunder. A very good way to spend a lazy sunday-afternoon, if you ask me.
So, I was sitting by the window, holding on to the windowframe (which has an iron strip in it) with my right hand.
there was a lot of rain, and thunder, and suddenly a flash of lightning.
At that same moment, I felt an electric shock go through my entire right hand! It wasn't a big shock, more like touching an electric fence, except that this was totally unexpected!
I stared at my hand for like.. a minute, maybe two, until I realized what must have happened...
I was struck by lightning! Ö_ö

Damn, that just freaked me out... I'm glad the lightning didn't hit my building directly, or I might have had a serious problem...Not sure what would have happened... Not sure if I'd want to know...

Lifestruck...
Lovestruck...
Lightning-struck...

I wonder what's next. Bowling-ball? Brick? Ming-vase? Cow???

Freaky Cat...

2005-10-19T22:56:00.000+02:00

Well, I haven't had much time for a real update, there probably will be soon (as soon as I could manage to take everything that's going on right now, and make a text-version out of it, lol!)

Just wanted to share this photo with you. I took it through my window this afternoon, when I coincidentally looked outside, and saw something that literally made me ROFL!!!!

I can conclude out of this, that she doesn't like me at all... All she ever cared for was the bus... :S

You can't see it from this picture, but she was actually trying to get in there, through the windshield, LMAO!

Pretty Kitty ;-)

2005-10-10T11:50:00.000+02:00

Hi, I just made some pictures, she's getting less shy with every passing day! Today she jumped in the bus I drive for work, lol!

(and I doubt she's pregnant after all... I see no difference compared to what she looked like some time ago...)

Edit; I added some more pictures I took this afternoon, haha!

Photography

2005-10-05T22:18:00.000+02:00

Righto!

Since everyone is so busy being a photographer (something I've always wanted to be), and since I now have a Sony Ericsson k750i with 2.0 megapixel camera, I decided to go out, find a forest, do some walking, and make a bunch of pictures.
The result can be seen to your right (thanx to my extreme coding skills, I didn't know I had it in me! Not that it was that difficult, but still, pretty good for a n00b like me)

These are all plants and trees and stuff. I did see a squirrel once, but it ran away before I could make a picture... They're just too fast for me...

Hope you like 'em! This is the first time I have done something like this, so feedback would be very welcome!

edit; There are a total of 45 pictures, just so you know.

edit2; I uploaded some more pictures I made this evening in the Park, make sure to watch a fullscreen version of the grass close-up :D

Just for a moment

2005-09-30T10:47:00.000+02:00

It's been too long already since I last submitted poetry to my blog, so I'm going to share with you something I wrote about a month ago. I think the subject is pretty obvious, and this text kindof sums it all up ;-)

By the way, my own prophetic abilities never cease to amaze me... Here goes;

Just for a moment
You’re my Mr. Right
I’ll leave you tomorrow
But love you tonight

I pour out my heart
And hope you can take it
And if you don’t love me
I trust you will fake it

I don’t need to look at you while you’re asleep
And I don’t need to lie awake and hear you breathe
But I wonder when you’re lying next to me
What it is that you are thinking
And if I’m somewhere in there.

You’re not in love with me and nor am I with you
And if we tell each other jokes, we miss the clue
But I wonder if you miss me sometimes too
If you appreciate the times
We spend together

I couldn’t lie by declaring you my love
Though you make promises you know you wouldn’t keep
And I wonder sometimes where it is we stand
Are we falling down
or getting out of hand?

We don’t know yet where our lives will someday lead
But it’s a comfort to be with you here and now
Though I wonder sometimes if I mean anything to you
Cause you mean something, maybe not the world
But definitely something to me

And when you leave
For a moment
I am lonely

But then my life
will be everything
I need

I'm not sure whether I should leave it in this order, or change it, I might look it over sometime soon again. Tell me if you think this is worth making a song out of...

Dumped

2005-09-29T11:47:00.000+02:00

There's good news and there's bad news....

Good; YAY! I'm single again!!!! Calling all eligible bachelors, I'm available again, if you're interested, please mail me. Note; If you're too young, too old, too poor, too short, too nerdy, too macho, too shallow, too stupid, too crazy or too desperate, don't bother :-P

Bad; I got dumped in one of the worst possible ways... damn the bastard! Oh well, good thing I wasn't in love (neither was he, obviously) so I'm not going to let this affect my self-esteem, I'm just going to blame it on him, HAH! "No, honey, it's not me, it's you!"

Well, two months was long enough in this case, so I'm not heartbroken or anything, I just think he could have dealt with this in a somewhat more mature way. But what the hell, right?

NEXT!!!!!!!!

XD

Yet another blog!

2005-09-27T21:30:00.000+02:00

Okay, I have two new blogs linked, one is a friend, who has an absolutely brilliant writing-style, so make sure you go and check it out!
(life or something like it)

the next one is my own brother's long-awaited 1337/über/Pwning blog!
Not completely finished, but online anyway, check it!
(status-seeker.com)

edit; Status seeker is now fully up and running, and brilliantly at that! be sure to take a look!

Crash test dummies

2005-09-27T20:51:00.000+02:00

So, yeah...

I kinda had an accident last saturday, while I was in the car with my sister and my other sister's boyfriend...
My parents, my sisters, said boyfriend and I went to Belgium last saturday, and we had a great day! Really, we had loads of fun!
So when we went home, we got in the car, drove off (we went with two cars). We reached a curve in the road, nothing extreme. But there were three people on motorcycles approaching us from the other direction, and one of them lost control over his motor, and crashed into our car with 80 km/h!

Luckily, he hit the side of the car, and not the front, so he landed in the forest on the side of the road, while the car we sat in turned 180 degrees on the road, and then stood still. I never saw anything coming, since I was sitting in the back of the car. Just heard a BANG, and I remember us turning on the road, but in slow-motion, really freaky. I asked if everyone was ok, my sister started to panic, and I told her to stay calm. I got out of the car, but I wasn't really aware of what I was doing, or what exactly had happened... well, at least I didn't panic! By that time I had made sure that nobody on our side was injured. My sister's dog panicked, and tried to jump out of the car, so I was glad that she too was wearing a seatbelt, she would have been run over for sure otherwise!

The guy on the motorcycle came walking out or the forest he had landed in, and there was nothing wrong with the man! I still can't believe it (neither could he). It was a miracle he was still alive, but he had nothing but a scratch on his nose, where his glasses were (they weren't even broken). Amazing is an understatement! (he got some complaints about neck-pains after about half an hour, so he went to have that checked out anyway)

The car was total loss, as was his bike, a honda goldwing, they are very heavy, which turned out to have been his luck, the motor got the damage, instead of him. Same for the car by the way, I was sitting exactly where the motor hit, and since I was leaning with my arm against the door, my arm got hit pretty hard. Luckily it is just a bit bruised, nothing serious.

When we got home later that night (after making arrangments for the car, and insurance and stuff) we got to thinking, and realized jus how lucky we had been. If we or the other guy had been one second later, he would have hit the front of the car, and we'd all be dead instantly. Same if we had been driving a less solid car (YAY audi!)
The other guy could have hit like 8 huge trees, but he missed every one of them, AND a traffic-sign! talk about luck...

Next, the car was towed away by a guy from a towing company, and my mother and my sister's boyfriend went in the car with him, and ordered a taxi to get home from the garage.
Some time later, they got home, and my mother said that the taxidriver had problems with his car. So we went to check it out, and came to the conclusion that it was nothing that could be fixed on the spot. We decided to invite him in for a cup of coffee, until his company sent someone to pick him up.
Three hours later, the same guy from the towing company showed up to pick up the taxidriver with his car, LOL!

If that wasn't enough coincidence for one story, I had to go to the hospital the next day to have my arm checked out. So I sat in the waiting room, and guess what? The doctor who was on duty that day was an old friend of mine, whom I hadn't seen in quite a while! That was really funny, lol!

So, that was my amazing story, my arm still hurts a little, and I did have some nightmares and stuff, which is probably just normal in situations like these...

There's more to tell, but I'll do that some other time (maybe tomorrow)

Till then!

Trust issues

2005-09-17T03:41:00.000+02:00

Some time ago I got to thinking what exactly my problem is with the opposite sex... Not that I think I have a severe problem with them, most of my best friends are male, because I don't tend to get along well with a lot of women. I'm not sure why, maybe I can see how it's related once I have written it down.

The thing is, I don't give men a lot (read; any) of credit in trusting them when it involves feelings. For some reason I have seen men as "evil" for as long as I can remember... Literally for as long as I can remember, that is. For some reason, I used to think that when people die, all women automatically go to heaven, and all men automatically go to hell. It never occurred to me that some women might be bad, and some men might be good. It was all plain black-and-white for me. No doubt about that.

It took me quite a while to realize that the whole idea didn't make sense, but even after I did, I never got myself to believing that men actually could experience the same emotions as women, and that a man could love someone as much as I could. Frankly, I still don't believe that. I'm not sure why.
I'm just convinced that when a man says he loves someone, he is either lying deliberately, or he has no idea what he's talking about. I mean, I just don't believe it. Not only when they say it to me (not like that ever happens) but in general. Like men don't have emotions...
And I'm aware of the fact that this is not very fair, but for some reason no one has ever managed to convince me of the opposite. Partially because of some bad experiences I've had, and partially because I won't give them a chance. No credit from me, don't ask me why.

I'm just writing this down the way it comes to mind, so if it doesn't make sense, these are my thoughts, I make sense of them, so can you! ;-)

The thing that puzzles and worries me the most, is how such a strange idea could have been so strongly implanted in my mind and heart, at such a young age (since birth if you ask me). For as far as I can remember, I've never been given a reason to mistrust men in my youth. But where did it come from then? A past life? You tell me, I have no idea!

This is still a major issue in my life, You can probably all guess why. Not that I'm having problems at this very moment, but I know at some point someday there will be. Unless I become a nun or a hermit, and stay away from all men all my life. Or just not let them close enough. I never realized until now that I never grew out of this idea, and my last boyfriend (before the one I'm currently dating) has made matters a LOT worse. I mean, lying and cheating and manipulating is not the best way to gain someone's trust, is it?

So... My 3 major questions;
-Where the hell did this come from?
-Is it true or total nonsense?
-if so, how do I get rid of it?

Kittens?

2005-09-12T20:07:00.000+02:00

Hi!

I got home from work this afternoon, and found Muis waiting for me as she does more frequently now. I noticed however that she was looking a bit "bigger", especially on the sides. She may have eaten too much, but to me it looked more like an early stage of pregnancy.

I had a conversation about her with my sister the other day, and she vented her concern about the possibility of this situation occurring sooner or later. We don't know if she has owners, but if she does, they clearly do not look after her a lot. She's very dirty at times, so I take it she's outside most of the days and nights. More so, she's people-shy. So she either has been given a reason to mistrust people, or she never got used to them. I also have good reasons to believe she was taken away from her own mother at a too young age, which could mean human involvement, or just a mother who had other priorities. Not all cats are good mothers after all.

But my main concern right now is finding out if she is indeed pregnant, maybe finding out if she has owners (though I wouldn't know how I would do that), and finding a way I can look after her if she would indeed be pregnant. I'm not sure on how I would do that either, since I do not want to take her in, and I'm almost positive she wouldn't want me to take her in. I noticed her reluctance to entering doors of any kind on several occasions, and she won't let me pick her up. She won't even go near most other people, so no options there...

For now, I'll just keep an eye on her whenever I can. (I bought cat food, but she feels to good to eat any of it, lol! How typical...)

More poetry yet!

2005-09-09T21:13:00.000+02:00

Okay, so I made another one...

You're probably used to me writing about inner struggles and, like, deep stuff. This one, however addressing a deeply serious matter, is of a more practical kind. I'll wager everyone recognizes the situation described here though, especially when you drive a car (or... like...a monster truck or something, muhahahahaaaah! [/sarcastic]...)

Tell me if you think this is good material for the next Poem of the Month- contest ^^,

(or a Stephen Lynch-like song)

suicidal pigeon
get off o' the road
steer clear of my car
or bad news I forebode

You like to sit down
just where I am headed
And if you don't clear off
your wings will be shredded

let go of your death-wish
and spare me the weight
of guilt that I'll bear
from sealing your fate

You're strutting around
like it's a catwalk
but soon you will suffer
distributive shock

Some driver may come
and they might overlook
and you will become
roadkill pizza

Note of the writer; No animals were harmed or killed in the process of making this poem... if you don't count the process of getting inspiration that is.

Poems linked

2005-09-06T23:04:00.000+02:00

You know what? since I put so many of my poems online already, I'll provide you with the links to the poetry-posts, that'll save you a lot of scrolling and easter egg-hunting.

Note, however, that a lot of my "non-poetry"-entries are (at least by me they are) considered poetic nonetheless. Actually, most of them are I suppose...

Well, enough with the bullshit already, here are the poems so far;

http://hostileterritory.blogspot.com/2005/07/awakening.html

http://hostileterritory.blogspot.com/2005/07/new-poem.html

http://hostileterritory.blogspot.com/2005/07/summer-night.html

http://hostileterritory.blogspot.com/2005/07/night-time.html

http://hostileterritory.blogspot.com/2005/08/addicted-to-blues.html

And here are the poems I posted on Stand Alone;

http://www.stand-alone.co.uk/forums/index.php?showtopic=842&hl=

http://www.stand-alone.co.uk/forums/index.php?showtopic=892&hl=

That's it for now, I hope all the links work, because it took me quite a while to find, copy and paste all of 'em.

Enjoy!

Sleepy time for me now... *yawns so hard it hurts*

edit;
looks like it doesn't link directly, I could probably find out how to do that, but I'm way, way, way too tired right now, so you'll just have to copy and paste.

kthnxbye

Poetry request

2005-09-06T22:46:00.000+02:00

I had a request for more online poetry, and I figured that's something I can do. Just copy-paste and I'm done. [/lazy]

This one is relatively new, and it's actually a song. Well, the lyrics for a song anyway. I'm still not too sure about it though, there's a lot of fancy language in it, so it's quite a challenge to read it.

Feedback is always welcome, feel free to flame me ;-)

Here goes;

Disrupted and diffused
Abandoned and confused
The self-proclaimed messiah
Is emerging from his truth

From blurred light descends
The one on whom the world depends
Denying all impending darkness
On a trip that never ends

The world’s denouncement he’ll reverse
With just a single counter-curse
And he’ll make matters far, far worse
But he’s a hero in his own mind

In his tireless defence
He fights the windmills of the world
There is no need for him to bide his time
But he won’t get a second chance

And, charging through enemy lines
While unaware of what’s behind
Will not explore this hostile territory
He simply doesn’t have the time

The world’s damnation he’ll prevail
While sipping from his holy grail
And attempts to follow his own trail
But he’s a hero in his own mind

Notice the referrance to Don Quichote? ;-)
Interpretation is not limited to that though, it wasn't even really inspired on it, so you can take it any way you want to.

Music

2005-09-05T22:23:00.001+02:00

I just wanted to say that I think music r0x0rz!
That thought just came to me out of the blue, and I wanted to share it with y'all. IMO music is man's greatest gift. It's the only thing that can kick my heart around like a football, and the only thing I trust enough to let it do so.

And I can't ever give my self/heart/soul completely to anything or anyone, except music.

Music makes my life worth wile.

Muis

2005-09-05T00:53:00.000+02:00

I'm just in. I got out of the bus I drive for work, and she just stood there, in the empty parking space next to where I parked. I was being careful, because she had already surprised me like that once, and I don't want to run her over. But I never saw her, she just stood there all of the sudden. Funny, because I was kind of expecting she would.

So we meowed our hello's, and I stayed with her for a minute or so. Then I noticed her startle, and looked around at what she was staring at. There was another cat, I don't know if it was a male or a female. Muis seemed to be hesitating for a second, but from the looks of it, decided that she was intimidated by the other cat, rather than happy and willing to go and meet her fellow-feline.

But I guess I kind of decided to leave the two alone, because, as a human, I have no right getting involved in cat-business. As if I would even come close to comprehension of their superior level of sophistication. I can't even walk without sounding like a crippled bull stampeding through dense undergrowth. Not to mention my poor, poor purring-capacities. dûh...

I stepped aside, and walked towards the door, but to my surprise, Muis followed me. I stopped, the other cat didn't move, but was staring at the two of us. And Muis was standing beside me, looking rather confident. Looks like she trusted me enough to look to me as a bodyguard.
Too bad for her, I'm rather cat-like myself at times, and I decided the two should sort it out, because I can't just be standing there all night. I gotta work in the morning, and it's way too late for me already.

But Muis followed me to the door again, and we did almost an exact replay of yesterday's scenario. I walked in, she sat down in front of the door, but never attempted to follow me in. She had plenty of time to do so, but she didn't. Which is good, because I have no idea where she would go then, and how she would get out again if she wanted to. So she stared at the door, and continued to do so until I was upstairs. (She didn't see me looking through the other window)

I got in my apartment, looked outside, and she was gone.

The other cat hadn't moved.

Whiskers on Kittens

2005-09-04T00:49:00.000+02:00

There's a little black feline roaming the neigbourhood. Whereas you could see her rummaging around almost everywhere at first, she seems to have found a definite hangout-spot. Next to the backdoor of my building. Might have something to do with one of my neighbours throwing bits of cat-food and leftovers out of the window for her to feed on. Might just be that she's seeking some human company. (I have heard on several nights that she has plenty feline company, lol!)

She used to be afraid of me, but after having seen me walking in and out the building a few times she grew accustomed to me. For as far as a cat will grow accustomed to anything, that is. And now, on many occasions when I get home, she comes running out of the bushes she was hiding in, to greet me. So I decided the other day to share some of my leftovers with her. She seemed to like hamburgers, heh. She's not a very big cat. And she still runs away from most people, but whenever she sees me, she comes meowing towards me, and wants to be petted.

I just got home, and she was there again.

She said "Meow".
I said "Ha Muis"

( I call her "Muis" which means Mouse in English. Pretty crazy to call a cat "Mouse" but hey, she doesn't seem to mind.)

I sat with her for a while, and petted and groomed her a little. She still doesn't want to be touched a whole lot, but she's growing to trust me now.
I figured after a while that it was time for me to go in, so I got up. And she followed me to the door. I opened it and walked in. But she didn't follow me, it seems we're equally happy with the situation as it is. She sat outside the door though, staring at me, until I walked around the corner.
And as I walked up the stairs, and looked out of one of the other windows, she was still sitting and staring at the door... I could swear we both felt a bit lost...

I like her.

Poem of the month winner! :-D

2005-09-03T20:53:00.000+02:00

Hiya, I just found out that I won the "Stand-alone Forums" Poem of the month contest for August!

It's not like I won a Nobel-prize, but I still think it's very nice to get some kind of recognition from fellow-poets/songwriters.

If you want to see all the submissions for august, click the post-title. If you want to congratulate me, I opened a topic on "Words", lol!

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much!

*bows*

CD?

2005-09-02T21:51:00.000+02:00

I was working so hard for a while to get my cd finished... Now I haven't done ANYTHING at all for 2 months or so. I've written down some random stuff that came to mind every now and then, and even wrote some poetic blog-entries.

But there are no new songs, and no working on arrangements for the existing songs... And to tell you the truth, I have no idea where to start on stuff like that, I've never done anything like it before. All I can do is write and play and sing, and even that has moved to the remote background of my life. I've plenty writing-material going on in my life, or so I would say. But I'm either too tired to work on it, or too glad that I get the time to do nothing for a while. And so I do nothing...

Hmmz... Let's see how much time I get this weekend. Maybe I should call everyone to leave me alone over the next few days, so that I can find my muse.

*ponders on that thought for a while*

Nah, that wouldn't work anyway, just get me frustrated.

So, for the unlucky few who are remotely interested (Keito) ; there's no progress on the cd so far, none whatsoever!

But you know what they say, right?

It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings!

XD

Arachnaphobia

2005-09-01T21:30:00.000+02:00

Looks like I might be getting over it, at last!

I just got home, opened my front door, and noticed something moving on my shoulder. So I looked and saw it was a spider, happily crawling over my t-shirt. Have I mentioned that I'm afraid of spiders? This one was relatively small, but it would have freaked me out a few years ago. (I remember a friend of mine rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off at seeing me jumping up and down, panic-stricken after having discovered a similar sized spider on my t-shirt. We both had tears in our eyes after that scene, just for different reasons, grrrr...)

But this time I just decided to put it on my hand, and put it on the floor, for it to continue it's adventure. I didn't even sweat or something. This to me is an extraordinary achievement. I'm not planning on picking up any more spiders in the near future though, not when they're bigger than this one anyway. And I still hate how they creep up on unsuspecting people like they do. I know for a fact that they laugh their tiny spiders-asses off when they scare someone like that, the cheeky little buggers...

I just remembered that magpies (and probably all crow-related birds) have the same sarcastic sense of humour. No kidding, I've seen some of their practical jokes up close, and I swear to you, if they could laugh, they would! Always at someone else's expence ofcourse, lol! But when they do that it's cool.

And I'm just feeling brave now :-P

Working Girl

2005-08-31T10:27:00.000+02:00

Yeah....

So....

I've been working more than usual lately (Not that I used to work a lot...)
But that's mainly the reason why I'm not updating this blog regularly anymore... My imaginary life is going down the drains even more, which is something that bothers me quite a lot. But I haven't got the time to come up with new stories, and it seems that the blog popularity has faded into nothingness...

Oh well...

Work is going well though, I needed some time to get used to working "double shifts" (as opposed to my slacking around all day before this, lol!) And I still think it's hard, since I havent worked full-time in like ages. And now I don't have normal daytime-shifts, but half a day (divided in two parts, so that there really is nothing I can do in my time off, which completely sucks)
And then there's the evenings, at my other job (no, you pervert, I work in a kitchen!!!)
I just hope the money will be worth the trouble in the end :-)

So if you're wondering why the hell I'm not posting a lot anymore, that's the reason (that, and my new lover, heh...)

Oh, and my hot/cold water problem is FINALLY fixed!!! w00t!!!

Birthday!!! XD

2005-08-25T11:02:00.000+02:00

Today is my 26th birthday, w00t! Another year closer to 30... But what the hell, I'll live my life how I want to, when I want to!

Outside it's raining (I like rain, so there's no problem) and I'm enjoying sitting here, listening to "Close to you" by the Cure. Great song :-)
I think today is going to be a good day. I think next year is going to be a good year.
And when the sun breaks through later in the day, I might get another rainbow for my birthday, like I got last year. That was beautiful :-)

Well, I better go and tidy my house a little. (I'll probably end up playing guitar all afternoon anyway...)

-rest of life update; I've been working a lot lately, got myself a second job, to add up to the hours I'm missing in my regular job. Takes some time to get used to that though, I'm tired... But it feels good to know I'm finally doing something about my financial situation.-

Not Pron

2005-08-22T11:50:00.000+02:00

Another challenge!

Apparently this has been around on the internet for quite some time already, but somehow, I have never found it. It was pointed out to me just this last night. So I started to puzzle away a bit, and managed to get myself to level 6 in approximately half an hour (could as well have been 45 minutes, I wasn't minding the time)
I'm stuck a bit now, but I do believe I'm making progress on solving this riddle. And learning a lot in the process, it's a win-win situation! XD

This is the ultimate creativity-test!

Everyone should "Not Pron", just give it a try if you hadn't already!

http://www.deathball.net/notpron/
(or just click the post-title)

Have fun, Not Pron!

Puzzled

2005-08-20T13:56:00.000+02:00

Many times I wondered what my place was in this world, and frankly, I have never found one answer that solves the whole puzzle.
It's like everytime I think I found it, some pieces are still out of place, or missing. I gave up on hoping to find it in this life, but I will die trying.

I had a bit of a revelation regarding myself yesterday. I'm still not believing it though.
Only if I find that this solves at least a large piece of that puzzle, if it makes sense when I place it in the picture of my life. Only if it fits the puzzle so far, I'd be willing to accept this.
Maybe.

After all, you should not base your life on test results, but on experience, right?

So I'm now going to study this big puzzle once more, even more thoroughly this time.
The best way for me to do this is to write everything down. And I probably will.
I might post some of my findings here. I may not.

Maybe some of you can hand me some pieces I missed. Kai might have done that already.

We'll see.

Hell Returns

2005-08-18T20:05:00.000+02:00

Well.... With my luck I suppose it was only a matter of time...

My noisy downstairs-neighbours have returned. I'm not even entirely sure if it's the same girl, but this one has the same yelping little dog, the same loud and penetrating voice, and the same noise coming out of her speakers... I would call it music, like she thinks it is. But it's not. I'd be a lot more tolerant if I could discover some kind of melody at all in it, but it's just a beat combined with samples of screaming men and howling sirens.... nothing more to it. Like living upstairs from Auschwitz, for crying out loud!

There's only one thing I know for sure about the downstairs-neigbours I've had here so far;

I hate them all!!!

And I'm not in the least a hating person!

So here I am... on the only night this week that I was going to spend not having to work, or going to visit someone. I planned for a quiet evening, maybe take my guitar and write a new song, or whatever comes to mind. Instead, I feel a headache taking over what's left of my quiet time, and I feel rage bubble up from the depths of my mind.

The thing is, the more I get myself worked up over this, the more it will annoy me, which is not remotely good for my health, as I already suffer from high blood-pressure (That's not all too surprising now, is it?) And the more I get annoyed by little things that I normally would hardly notice.

It's just that everything this "creature" does, whether it's brushing her teeth, watching tv, cooking a meal, or listening to that noise she seems to enjoy, annoys me, because it is SHE who is doing it, and I hate her! I can be pretty childish about these things, I'm not too proud to say that, but everyone would have to admit that they know this feeling.

So here's what I'm going to do;

If she has the nerve of putting on that noise too loud after 10pm, I'm going to call the housing-association the next day, especially since this is not the only complaint I have for them (Don't judge me for not wanting a leaky roof and fungus on my walls, please).

And if that doesn't help, I'm right back at calling the police again. Wouldn't be the first time anyway.

I'm just tired